Expression of sex – mind fucked


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Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.


I have been a porn addict for quite some time. I have also been a recovering porn addict and starting to change from it. For many years and hours I would spend online surfing for porn, until I was given sort of a kick behind and told to get a grip. Then I quit the porn as such. I quit the porn and I would start to take control of me masturbating. Taking control of me masturbating meaning to NOT drag in lots of imaginations/fantasy/pictures to my mind when I jerk of. This have been a challenging process that I am still walking. To manage this clarity and mind control while masturbating have been a great challenge to me. This would mean that I would not like or need either porn or thoughts/ideas of sex when masturbating. The thinking about sex or imagining sex, had them become such a burden that I was not clear within. I would judge myself and hide from self within thoughts/ideas/imaginations of sex. This thinking or imagination would present itself when masturbating, and then after, I would feel shame. Just like hiding porn from self/others in secret/mind. Like keeping a porn magazine under ones bed or in ones closet in secret. So this is one more chapter in my process of recover my sexual expression – from my porn addiction.

I was recently made aware of this old pattern within myself. It is a returning body pain, a point within myself of hiding , judging and feeling shame within a mind fuck of desires and thoughts/pictures about sex.
I experience fear of my own expression, suppression of the things that arouse me and conflict in relation to exposing these patterns and desires and ending up believing that I must judge my imagination about sex.
I experience fear, suppression and conflict in relations to desires and imagination about sex.
I feel shame about sexual imaginations.
I feel judgment to pictures about sex.
I think I must believe that I should be shameful for thinking about sex.
I can see a picture, that I relate to sex, then hide it within my mind, and then keep it there to jerk of to, and meanwhile, be two faced and , hide behind suppression/shame/feel bad. Cheating on self.

One more time.
I can look at pictures of sex/imagination/arousal and stack these pictures in a certain place that is my secret mind. I would use these pictures to arouse myself and to bring myself to masturbation, I would feel bad and judge myself after the masturbation, and judge myself as wrong and sinful/bad after watching the picture and making myself into a victim of my own arousal.

Whenever I would feel arousal of a picture, I would hide that picture and keep it secret. There is a certain movement within from the keeping/stacking away my picture and then going into shame/denial, and later going back at it and use it to masturbate – and to return after the masturbation to shame/suppression/denial.

One more time. (I really need to understand the mind yoga of this)

I would look at pictures/thoughts through my day of things around me in my life. Sometimes there are pictures/imaginations/thoughts that make me arouse/horny. I would then stack this picture away in my mind. Keep it locked away like a secret. Then later I would feel bad/shame and wrong – from having looked at this picture and having looked at my own inner reality – deny this – hide behind shame and suppress this experience / picture in my mind. A really big mind fuck indeed.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and my thinking, to later deny and suppress what was going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and regret for looking at pictures and videos of girls and to think of sex within so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to look into my own porn addiction and to see what depth that is/was by tempting myself with ideas and mannerism of my porn addiction that I would say is no longer here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate porn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide sex/porn images in my mind in secret, to keep it there to fantasize about, when then later, judging the pictures and judging myself within it, feeling shame and conflict about the images, that I would deceive myself with for masturbation and other vice hide and feel shame about thoughts/ideas of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for solution to my issues and drag myself into subconscious and also into pictures that is sex related, and to expose myself to sex/imagination and to lose myself in my porn addiction and then later deny it fooling myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost, scared and in fear from having this judgment/suppression/shame of sex and imagination, that I would sort of seek my family (sub conscious) and try to feel loved/valued/pittyed there, simply dragging my data/sex/imagination/judgment with me into those relations – polluting myself and my world further, making my darkness greater and more prominent .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my ideas/pictures about sex into sub conscious/family relations and to make my problems larger and more complicated with the merging thoughts of incest and such taboo thoughts and ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am corrupting myself by exposing sex/imagination to my sub conscious mind and to think that I am poisoning my family by doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should feel shame and suppression from this sex/imagination that I would simply think needs to be judged/feared/suppressed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my imagination and porn pictures are so bad and evil that I need to bring myself down within from seeing this within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret chamber/spot in my mind to keep sexualized/dirty pictures to jerk of two and to masturbate to, while seconds later going into judgment and shame about the same pictures – a clear trick of my own self/mind fuck.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my pictures of sex/imagination are of underage people and that is just so very, very bad and criminal for me to fantasize about and to think about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of keeping things open/free in the air, without suppression, here, naked/exposed, I would go inwards and fear my own expression, suppress/deny the images and create a conflict within from the fantasy/imagination/sex, bringing me to my knees and believing that judgment is the only thing “right” for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go loops on myself on bringing myself down and judging and criticizing and bringing my own arousal down and out – judging myself into oblivion/angst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself with angst and punishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel aroused in one second, to take that picture and stack it within mind, and then in the next “movement” I move away from the picture/imagination and judge myself and feel bad within from having been aroused by a picture/imagination at first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to the extent that I feel scared of consequences/angst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t look at sex/porn pictures without going into suppression/denial/shame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that sex/porn is equal to shame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must judge the things that make me horny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and avoid things that make me horny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that being horny is a sickness instead of enjoying it and taking charge of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of judging and feeling shame from sex & imagination I should take charge of it and enjoy it to myself without the separation of imagination/pictures/energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my shame and suppression of sex and desires are so hardwired they can’t be cured.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that thoughts about sex and imaginations such is bad and worthy of judgment from how I used to live like a sex addict, and also drink lots and do drugs, where I would relate the activity of drinking and smoking – to the activity of desires and thinking of sex/porn – making them both evil within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can’t possible live with ideas or thoughts about sex without bias/judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather stick to judgment from old habit, making it a believe within me, that I must be judged – it is normal/routine – rather than to take it on, to “own” the attraction and to “own” the situation in consideration/common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should feel shame from thoughts about sex, that is how it is, instead of allowing me to be aroused, to smile and joke about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the quick shame/fear/judgment/denial instead of taking it with a smile/deep breath and to be with it, for what is best for all to evolve and expand within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to think and consider sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than to make sex into a drawing or a project or any kind I make sex into a bother and a pro – blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than recognizing myself as a “studd” “a handsome being” and romantic being I soon tear all this down and step on it/make trash of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather that recognizing myself to appreciate myself and my sexual expression, I go into shame and blame/bias and judgment.

Self corrections:
When and as I see that I am having a certain picture or imagination in my mind/head of sexual character or I am being aroused by a picture, I stop myself, I breathe , and I level with what is here. I realize that through this life I might get lots of arousals and sex related ideas/thoughts and imaginations. I realize that such a idea/imagination is not bad or evil or dangerous. It just is.
I commit myself to handle these attractions for what they are. Simply attractions and desires.
I commit myself to deal with these words within consideration for what is best for all.
I commit myself to be honest with self and to not escape/addict to imagination/porn – but rather see it for what it is and figure out my expression, in what is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into that movement/thought of judging/suppression/fear of my own expression/imagination/sex, I stop myself, I breathe and level with what is here. I realize that I want things to be open, free, here, (nude), and not hidden/suppressed/denied/scared/angst. I realize that I am the one that must take charge of this mind games. I realize that I must stand up for a natural and sane expression.
I commit myself to be free, here, natural, and open, sharing my expression.
I commit myself to not hide myself in shame.
I commit myself to be more natural, like breathe/water.
I commit myself to not fear to be aroused/horny.

When and as I see myself dragging this shame/suppression/fear into my sub conscious, I stop myself, I breathe, and I level with what is here. I realize that I don’t want to poison my family/sub consciousness with my imagination/thoughts. I realize that I must self stand up from my own suppressions. I realize that I must come free, from my suppression/fear. I realize that I fear my family to know about my thoughts, and my sexual desires – in fear of being victimized/characterized as sick/pervert.
I commit myself to deal with my sexual desires and ideas/thoughts/imaginations inn openness and considerate manner.
I commit myself to be free from judgment of my mind and my thoughts about sex.
I need to recognize myself to appreciate who I am, during my day, I need to hug myself and to smile and “like” myself. I need to see myself my living and my way of expressing and experiencing: life. I need to say to myself that thoughts about sex, is just that nothing more or less. It is OK. I need to be frank and smiling about sex, and to like and appreciate my sexual expression. I need to dig me. I need to love me. I need affirmation about being myself. I need to dance and express with colour. I need me, to be me.

Thanks for reading !

Every time I try to stop watching Porn, it sucks me back in


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By Andrea Rossouw-Starsi

image-pornOften when I speak to people who are facing the decision to give up any type of addiction, I notice that the one thing that pulls people into self-perpetuating cycles towards giving up and falling back into the same addiction they have been trying to get rid of, is self judgment. For example a person will make a decision one day to stop an addiction, using the reasons why and motivation and focus to get them through the first day, the second and so forth. Usually a person will use all kinds of ‘self-talk motivations’, to convince themselves of why they should quit, even though the underlying addiction is still ‘gnawing’ at them, fuelling their already unstable resolve, persistently picking at their reasons until by week 1, or month 1 – they give in and have that chocolate, or alcoholic drink or watch porn (whatever it is that your addiction maybe consist of).

Lets walk an example here of somebody addicted to Porn and/or masturbation. Initially the reason for stopping will usually be that one is either uncomfortable with watching porn or excessive masturbation, because you realise inside yourself that this control that this habit has over you is not only highly uncomfortable but interferes with your life. For some it is because they have realized that watching Porn has skewed their view of sexuality and the opposite sex, and now when one wants to engage in any form of sexuality, be it masturbation alone, or a sexual experience with another – you will find your body going into a sort of lock down, where you find yourself unable to move yourself comfortably in your body, and you judge the physical body because it does not match the pictures in pornography/fantasies. Some people start to question the existence of pornography and through research on the internet, are faced with the true reality of how pornography works and the real story behind the porn stars. Now they make an informed decision to stop utilizing pornography, however the mind-physical relationship to energy and addiction is still existent within the person and thus removing the ‘how’ does not necessarily stop this ‘system’. The next person might realize that they are compromising their relationships with others. Usually in this case a partner has caught on or caught them in the act and has made it very clear that they will not accept the existence of pornography as it goes against how the partner views their agreement. So here the user is faced with either an ultimatum, or they simply see that they are compromising the intimacy between themselves and their partner and it is having consequences, and they do not want to live like that..

So these are but a few examples of why some people decide to stop porn use or the addiction to masturbation. They will set an initial resolve – a starting point within themselves as to why they are stopping. Now as mentioned above – at all times when working through an addiction you are dealing not only with how serious you really are to stopping/changing, but you are also now working with your entire personality-mind make up and how this addiction through your mind – has infused itself into your physical body. Therefore the addiction itself is hardwired into the physical. Therefore on the one hand you have your ‘decision’ which might or might not be 100% sturdy, and on the other hand you have your thoughts, feelings and emotions that are now hardwired to draw you back to this addiction. Understandably therefore many people fall back into addiction because they are not aware of all of ones impulses, your underlying beliefs, thoughts, ideas, fears and the most simplistic – the addiction to the experience itself which is most overwhelming and is usually the number one reason why a person keeps going back to the same experience.

Now lets say you made a decision to stop, but you are not 100% aware of what will come up inside of you as you walk this journey. As time goes by – you start craving pornography or masturbation again. Thoughts flood your mind, you react emotionally, pictures pop up out of nowhere, your body reacts to these thoughts and images and eventually the mind finds your weakness, your ‘achilles heel’ so to speak and will in one moment take you over and you feel yourself almost pulling back into your body as you simply allow yourself to ‘give in’. What happens next in the days to follow is the person becomes racked with guilt and self-judgment, often resulting in exacerbation of ‘internal-experiences’ which take one down a road towards the same addiction. So now this leads to a renewal of the same cycle between good and bad experiences – which take one from the feel good energy of watching porn or masturbating to the yukky negative type emotional experiences around the judgment and self blame. It is here that ones starts realizing how watching Porn often acts as a crux for people who are avoiding specific experiences within themselves.

Therefore the key here is to realize on your journey of stopping – there is you, there is your decision and there is the outcome. All 3 of these elements have to be present and absolute. If you allow ‘backdoors’ the ones that whisper ‘nah I don’t really want to stop, I just want him/her to think I am trying’ to exist then you will likely keep falling because you have designed it so. We will discuss ‘back doors’ more in later blogs.

So you are fully present, there, willing and able to do what it takes, you have your starting point – the reason why you are stopping – which is absolute and now you know that along the way you will learn about yourself and apply yourself within the necessary tools to change and stop your addiction – therefore there is an outcome. And what do you know: there are other people out there who at any particular moment in time are overcoming way worse addictions, therefore I always say ‘if they can do it any person can do it’. I have overcome some addictive patterns myself, some pertaining to sexuality, some around relationships etc and therefore I know that the hardest times I had in stopping some of these addictive behaviors – I know that any person whom I walk with can then overcome their addiction – because at the time when I was working with particular addictions I would say to myself ‘I just cannot do this’ – and yet I did. I felt like the weakest person in the world, with the worst self-talk imaginable – and yet I turned that leaf and made the changes. It took me a few tried until my resolve was 100% (more on personal resolve in later blogs).

Therefore, we take from this that if you slip up, you learn from it and continue. Self Judgment is therefore irrelevant actually – but if one finds yourself judging something – then transform that judgment into again a tool – just for a moment – where you stop and catch yourself and go ‘hey wait a  minute no judgments’ – so then you drop the judgment – and transform it into ‘ok lets look at what we have done and see how to change it for next time’…

7 Things You Need to Know about Your Porn Addiction


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pornaddictAll over the world, thousands of people are finding themselves becoming addicted to porn. Despite the epidemic nature of how the addiction is evolving, you might find yourself feeling isolated and confused about your addiction. We will here share 7 things you need to know about your porn addiction to get you started on the process towards recovery.

  1. Porn is a drug. Yes you heard me; porn is a type of a drug in the way that it affects the addict’s life, body and brain. Unlike other drugs, porn is not some illegal street drug that you can only get access to by socializing with shady individuals. This is one of the biggest challenges for all porn addicts: porn as a drug is freely available and accessible whenever you need a hit. Furthermore, although porn is still somewhat of a taboo, it is also becoming more mainstream and can be seen in anything from music videos to commercials and advertisements filling up our streets. This is also why the recovery for a porn addict may at times seems more challenging compared to other addictions.
  1. Your addiction is not your fault. We are not saying that you are not responsible. Obviously you were the one who first tuned in to that porn flick on TV or started browsing for porn online, so it is not like you have no responsibility in creating this addiction whatsoever. We are however here to tell you that it is not your fault. Most of us learned nothing about sex or our own sexuality growing up and because porn is so aggressively marketed, it is very easy to fall into the trap of becoming addicted to porn.
  1. Desensitization. This is a word that you should familiarize yourself if you are serious about quitting your porn addiction. When you become addicted to something you slowly but surely start craving more and more of it. Think of a heroin addict that needs more and more heroin the more addicted he becomes. It is the same with porn. With porn however what tends to happen is that you’ll crave more and more extreme forms of porn to get that ‘kick’ of adrenaline. This can eventually cause you to become addicted to very extreme forms of porn that you otherwise would have never been interested in.
  1. You are not a pervert. Okay, maybe you are a pervert. But it may be worth your while to understand a little bit more of what is behind that word. The origin of the word ‘pervert’ comes from the (12c.) Old French pervertir and means “undo, destroy” and from the Latin pervertere that means to “overthrow, overturn,” or “to corrupt, subvert, abuse,” literally “turn the wrong way, turn about,” The word comes from the roots per- “away” (see per) + vertere “to turn” (see versus). So in essence, a pervert is someone who has turned away from his or her integrity and natural sexuality.
  1. Porn addiction (as well as masturbation and sex addiction) is by many medical professionals not considered an actual addiction. This is one of the reasons why there are so few treatment options for those addicted to porn, masturbation or sex. Furthermore, many of the treatment programs available are directly linked to specific religious beliefs.
  1. The average porn user. The people who watch the most porn are young males between the ages of 11 and 18. Some have reported to watch as much as 15 hours pr. Week. Does that concern you? If not, it should because it means that an entire generation of young men are growing up with completely skewed ideas about what sex is, and without proper guidance may become porn addicts.
  1. The Pen is Mightier than the Erection. Did you know that one of the best ways to start your recovery from porn addiction is through writing a journal? Yes a journal. But not the Hello Kitty kind that girls use to write about their crushes. A journal where you document your addiction and become an expert on understanding its psychological and physiological mechanisms.

If you are interested in seeing more of these posts and hearing more about what we have to offer, place a comment below or contact us via Facebook.

How I almost became a Rapist due to Porn. Pt 2

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

Read Pt. 1 here.

Hi, it´s me again.

Now, assuming that you have read the previous blog that I wrote and the links of info, I ´m going to continue with the specifics of it all:

What I want you to understand is how I came to feel so much hate about sex and within that towards the relationships, partners and so on, because I was so afraid of my own desires, to be controlled by them, and I really felt sometimes that I was not going to be able to stop, sometimes after masturbation I felt so much shame and anger that I will hit and punch myself, because it´s like from one part you actually want to become a better person, but you feel you can´t, you hate your desires, and you believe that they control you (be very careful of that, of blaming your own desires, because it´s not them, but you who is making them possible).

I tried to stop it by masturbating with porn, having sex with prostitutes, but you know what? It only became worst, why? Because that “ideal experience” that I told you about, was still there, and it´s like that endless search remains within us until we apparently get it. In each occasion I promised to myself that I was going to stop, but obviously I would participate on it and I felt so possessed by this desire that I thought I was not able to stop them, once the experience began, I would close any “moral consideration” while within myself I just wanted to really, REALLY live a different life, one in which I was able to respect myself and I would go into it, and masturbate watching pornography for example and of course at the end I will be angry, so angry that I would beat and hit myself because I believed that if I provoked physical pain to myself and related it to porn and masturbation I will be afraid of doing it, and yes… I get so afraid of actually speaking with someone, or to go into a relationship with someone… I became afraid of sex, because it seemed as “such a bad thing” you know?

I inflicted pain constantly and continuously to myself to “punish me” for having this thoughts, and within that it´s like that “infliction of pain” was at the same time an hypocrisy because, I saw it as a way of “compensate the damage” specially in relation to the religion that I used to practice by that time… Christianity… and you know, I used to pray a lot, but it’s just like, I will even ask to God, why are you doing this? JAJA, it´s funny you know, because it´s like another way of justifying “Oh, I don´t have control, God haves it” getting rid of religion was an important part in my process to restore the power, because as long as there is a God or someone greater than you (including this experience that we believe our god or to be greater than us sometimes) you will keep playing the victim.

There was even a moment where I took a Knife and it´s like I threaten myself to show me that I was “serious about it”, and I even cut myself sometimes a little bit, but I was actually to coward to commit suicide, in spite that I really wanted to do it, but anyway… So at the end, I just ended up participating in it over and over again, and the same scene repeated itself over and over again (this point is important keep it in mind as I progress with the story)

In this particular idea/personality I also created a very violent mind (do you remember what I told you about blaming your desires? can you see the dangerous relationship? Sex, Violence and possessive thoughts… not a nice combination isn´t it?) and you know, it´s like within that I programed myself to react “violently towards sex” where in the moment that I experienced blame I would project that blame outside of myself towards the desires… you know, many times you hear about this people, rapists that kill their victims and it makes you wonder (when you have experienced what I did) if it was an accident, maybe they were possessed by their own fear, or their blame…, the relationship can be very, very dangerous, very confuse within the mind of any person.

I also tried to play the “good person by helping everyone as much as I could” because, I believed that I was going to be “forgiven” as I was now compensating for my “participation in the porn pictures”. You also know about this cases or situations in which the religious “leaders”, priests… rape children and other people… maybe the same process you know? Trying to “alleviate” the inner struggle, and they try to find the “strength in God” because apparently only a greater force can stop their desires, as they don´t feel able to face their “inner demons”, and then they rape children, why? Because they “trust them”, they are the “example of goodness” and of course it´s easily than with an adult, because the children cannot protect themselves and the children remain silent in spite of the uncomfortable experience within themselves of “this is simply not good”, but how? If this guy represents the good and you know, shit like that and of course those guys are being protected by church, I mean it is obvious, because if the relationship is realized between guilt, sex you know? Not a very good propaganda for our friends in the church.

There was a moment in which I didn´t give a shit about sex anymore, I just wanted this fucking thoughts to stop and simply don´t having to know anything about them anymore, because they were driven me crazy! Sometimes I was walking down the street and I would see a girl (any girl actually) and the moment I saw her, my eyes would go to her ass and her breasts and in that moment, the reactions would come and the pictures and the experience would be of such an extent, that I actually felt that I had to run away, to stop and get away from her, because I was afraid that I could be driven by this desires and actually would go and rape someone and to give you an idea of how much this desires could possess me, this happened to me even when seeing males, where it is like I will just want to have “that experience” that I was talking about in the first blog, the “ideal experience” that I would think into just take anybody and have such experience, yeah I know, not the best picture to carry with you isn´t it?

See, one of the problems that I was able to find is that I perceived myself as incapable of doing it, meaning having sex with women you know? While the desire felt so big that I felt unable to control it, to direct it and as I said it came to a point where I really believe that I was going to rape someone to satisfy this urge, this need, this desire, but ironically I didn´t gave a fuck about sex, I just wanted this to stop and I believed that it would only stop once that I experience it… I can see that moment clearly within my mind, when I began to touch my cousin in the believe that there was no other way that I would do it… and while in my mind I was screaming “Stop, Stop, Stop!” it´s like at the same time, I was just saying: “just a little more”. That´s why, the situation with my cousin happened the way it did, because “she trusted me and loved me (as his uncle of course)”.

Nevertheless, believe me that when I see how I betrayed that love and that trust for this desires to satisfy this personal interest, I can also see the real nature about this abusive sexual compulsion, where… I mean if at least I didn´t did anything else but to touch her, I don´t know to what extent I harmed her expression only because I didn´t wanted to see anything else but this desire, only because I didn´t wanted to take into consideration another human being and only went for my personal interests and this is why I can understand to what extent the abuse can take place when we allow ourselves to be possess by any energetic or emotional experience. And I see that this can happens in any fucking experience, like anger for example where I would also imagine that I will beat the people (maybe by consequence of hitting myself when this desire came… but as I projected blame onto the desire instead of realizing it is me creating it, I will “punish my body” and now that I was feeling it onto other people… can you see the relationship our mind creates?) in sadness I had thoughts of committing suicide, or the desires as I have explained, where I imagine myself taking the people and raping them; I realized the importance and the responsibility that I had of dealing with my own mind to get sure and guaranty not only my integrity but also of those around me.

And I mean, of course I later realize that I was able to stop, but it´s just that I didn´t wanted to stop, because I didn´t want to see how this ideas and relationship existed within my mind, and this is why the process of Desteni of Self Forgiveness was the most amazing support that I could have ever received, because I began to see, the origin of the desires and what I was creating in the pictures and how I was creating it, I was able to see the relationship and once that it made sense and could find the “symbolism” in the pictures that I was seeing, everything made sense, but as I said I didn´t wanted to stop because the experience felt really good and it was so addictive…

But what I actually had to understand was that I didn´t required to “fight the desire”, that the “desire in itself is not evil” but it was me making it evil and it was just that I was so unsure of myself that I went to the porn instead of actually allowing myself to meet someone and try to experience myself with that person you know? The porn material is designed as a rape scene, watch it closely, it really hides all the evidence, how the man touches the woman as if she were an object, how the man seems to not be able to stop his desire and just like jumps on the woman and how the “woman seems to ask for it and enjoy the rape”, where apparently both are not able to control their desires and just go into it and so I said to myself “is just that I am not able to control it” (and my religious background of courses didn´t helped at all, in trying to fight the desire with guilt) while their faces actually express pain and not pleasure.

The moment I stop resisting masturbation and see that the pleasure came from the physical touch and not from the pictures was how I slowly but surely get rid of the porn material and was able to masturbate without fear, understanding it is me and just me in masturbation, there is no pictures, not anyone or anything else, just me in that moment and that is really cool you know? Because you no longer see yourself dependent on the picture, on the experience on others to enjoy yourself, and I have been actually able to go in some relationships and have real sex, with real people, which is really something awesome for me. But you know this desire no longer “drives me crazy”, I decide whether I masturbate or not, whether I have sex or not

Yes it happens more often than what you would believe; I mean every time that you go into your tantrum of: “This is what makes me feel good, fuck off what you think or if you agree with it or not (specially for guys when you watch porn…) I will keep doing it because I want my experience, I want to have this” that we tolerate the abuse in the world, because actually, the suffering within us is so big, that we don´t know who we will be without those experiences, we don´t know what will happen with us if we didn´t had that which “gave meaning” to this boring, monotonous and ruthless life, we don´t know what will happen without our emotions and feelings driving us to feel what we “apparently want to feel”; but have you ever asked yourself (specially males):

Are these desires really my own? Why do I focus or give so much attention to the breasts or the ass of a woman? Wouldn´t it be consequence of the constant and continuous emphasis that his culture push into such parts of the body? Couldn´t it be possible that the constant movement of such pictures within porn, where they focus constantly and continuously “tells you to see and give attention to such parts?” Did you know that in other cultures, the breasts and the ass standard of “what makes it attractive” changes depending on culture values and vision? Did you know that our model of what apparently a perfect woman is, only comes from a superimposed vision created by the major industries of beauty standards of our countries or even other countries who bring tons of their shit pictures to ours?

Look, I know that so many times it seems that we require to make a great effort in this life, in our day to day, just to keep going throughout the struggle and pain that we experience in trying to survive and live in this world.

We have been taught to believe that the sense of living it’s within the experiences of love, happiness, friendship, sex and so on, and we try so desperately to make sense of this experiences and to find ourselves within it, going and becoming who and whatever we require to be to get and experience that which we are taught “Is Life”. We also are taught that we can find that happiness, love, friendship, sexual experience if we buy this or that product, if we do this or that activity, if we become this or that person just to find at the very end, that we have lost something (I mean, I am sure that a vast majority can relate to this) in those moments when you look at the past, and we feel that we have missed something very important, it seems as if that child that we used to be, it´s gone, that that unconditional expression that allowed us to simply enjoy of this world, has evaporated into the routine of tons of hours of tedious and boring so called life.

Yet, what I have found its that it is actually the other way around, meaning, that actually, what made my life, so boring, monotonous and nonsensical, was actually that my entire life I followed this experiences trying to find something within them, trying to find that happiness, that love, that experience of absolute bliss and satisfaction within them, and at the very end, I found that I followed my entire life this emotions and feelings, trying to reach such experiences… and you know what, “THAT WAS PRECISELY THE PROBLEM!!!”, that all my life I was just following this thoughts, this ideas and emotions to try and reach that which was “promised” within such ideal happiness that is always portrayed within pictures of magazines, movies, publicity, porn, internet, etc.

And because I was following this experiences, I never actually allowed myself to realize that the problem was not going to change by changing my friends, my partners (yes, we tend to do that, believing that if we change of partner, is because our partner is not satisfying us or fulfilling us and of course we become more manipulative and dishonest with our next partner in trying to not make “the same mistakes that we did with the other” and to avoid the conflicts and the problems, by simply not discussing or talking honestly about who we really are, while we create new ways of deceiving and manipulating to “get things under control” and that is why it becomes so difficult to get to know anyone in this world, because everyone is afraid of facing the fear of being alone that they think that if they really allow themselves to be direct and express who they really are (self honestly speaking) that they would just loose that which they are taught to believe will give them reason and meaning in their life’s (just because a system tells you that you must get relationships and sex, and if you don´t… it´s because you as a person are a failure) and so we try to find that person to which we can “live in limitation” and search for that new picture towards which we can create another experience, get bored and marry with that picture at the very end)

Our entire life´s we just look for and search for this experiences, for sex, for love, for happiness, waiting that it will give “sense” to what we are experiencing right now as humanity; you know, we wait that moment where we apparently will be able to make sense of all of it, to make sense of so much pain, so much fear and sadness, not only within ourselves, but within this entire humanity as a whole and that´s why we keep like saying to ourselves: “I have to go there”, and it´s ironical you know? That lack for sense and purpose that sometimes we experience within ourselves, because when we try to define it, we can´t “we just know we are in a SEARCH for something… but, could it be that “THAT SEARCH” that we are experiencing, is the search for emotions and feelings that we expect and hope to give us that which we believe we need to understand ourselves?

I believe that one of the things that we lack as humanity is to get to know ourselves a little bit better, because maybe if you could see how much it is that everyone feels unsure and afraid of themselves within themselves because of their physical appearance, capacities and how much they fight to be accepted as that which they are shown to present of themselves as “acceptable, valid, and what not” instead of seeing their true capacities for change, maybe we could be able to just for a moment see beyond that veil of our limitations and find our true potential, and realize within that, that one of the things that this humanity needs and requires to be really free is to see what they have been taught to believe about themselves and realize that what they have sacrificed only for a picture is actually more, than becoming just a picture for others for example.

That we can wake up one day and say “Fuck off this shit!, We are greater/better that this”. Believe me, I have seen what I gave up by only a couple of pictures and desires within my life, the potential that I missed… don´t allow yourself to lose it, or to see it destroyed by a couple of companies that want to make money out of you and don´t give a shit about what happens to your mind… and I mean they can´t “see themselves as responsible for your mind”, because apparently everyone should be able to control it you know? Their desires… but the reality is that, we are responsible for what we participate in, so if you want to stop, get rid of porn…

Quoting our friend Sartre: What do we mean by saying that existence precedes essence? We mean that man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world – and defines himself afterwards. If man as the existentialist sees him is not definable, it is because to begin with he is nothing. He will not be anything until later, and then he will be what he makes of himself. Thus, there is no human nature, because there is no God to have a conception of it. Man simply is. Not that he is simply what he conceives himself to be, but he is what he wills, and as he conceives himself after already existing – as he wills to be after that leap towards existence. Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself”.

Proof to yourself that you have something to live for and I know that many times we try to find this meaning in the wrong places, we try to find it in our partners (boyfriend or girlfriend), sex, or whatever… the true meaning and I know that I am the last person from which you would like to hear something like this, you know, I am not like the most “morally acceptable guy in this world” and I understand that it´s difficult to see a person who has done so much harm in his life beyond the label of a Rapist, of an abuser; but yet, I do have something that can help to humanity, something that has helped me to proof to myself that this humanity can change and that proof has been myself, I mean if someone as myself could change his mind, his way of thinking and living, I that existed in such a vicious mind, every single one of us can.

If you only could see what I see, I am sure that you will give to this humanity another chance, but you have to “give to yourself” this chance (can – see/change), this opportunity, to believe in yourself, to believe that you can stop whatever it is that is bothering you, to change whatever you find that requires to be changed within yourself and you walk it and prove it to yourself, that you have this power and you allow yourself to see it in each and every single person around you, suddenly, the possibilities that this world presents are beyond the imagination, suddenly this life recovers sense and direction whatever this may be, but the main understanding to see, to realize is that we must give it to ourselves, because we are already doing it.

Or as it is said by our dear friend Sartre: We will freedom for freedom’s sake, in and through particular circumstances. And in thus willing freedom, we discover that it depends entirely upon the freedom of others and that the freedom of others depends upon our own. Obviously, freedom as the definition of a man does not depend upon others, but as soon as there is a commitment, I am obliged to will the liberty of others at the same time as my own. I cannot make liberty my aim unless I make that of others equally my aim

I mean, yes, what I created within my mind was so abusive that it would seem as if this humanity, the nature within ourselves was completely and entirely doomed to exist in the most evil of natures, and I also thought that the human was completely and entirely doom to the worst of its ends; yet, what I have also have seen is that I can do create a new life, a future. That proof, that evidence was and still is myself.

Thanks for reading.


How I almost became a Rapist due to Porn. DAY 34


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How I almost became a rapistPorn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

This is not something easy for me to share, and I don´t expect it to be more easy for you (the reader) as you go through my words to understand immediately what conducted me to do what I did; in fact in light of my past mistakes it would be a slightly irrational to presume that there would not be any reactions from you, actually, I ´m pretty aware that many will be angry by this that I will share, and that´s why I have decided to maintain my profile anonymous. So please understand, that the reason why I share this with you, is because I want to help the people and the society to understand “Who we are as the rapist” each and every time that we participate on pornography.

When we try to think about the rapist, we tend to imagine some sort of really perverted and mental ill guy that lives like looked in a very disgusting room, with tons of extremely abusive porn videos and movies, who spies people from his window and fantasies about having them and raping them.

Now, another interesting aspect is that we tend to think in this people as someone who is “out there/far away in his nasty cave planning his/her next move”, but in reality, the rapist is actually someone not far from anybody like you and me, someone close to you and your family, and it could be also very, very, very young

It’s not a secret today, how harming the porn industry can in fact be for the brain and for relationships, as the person who watch pornography loses touch with reality and with what sex really in fact is, he/she begins to create a fantasy of what “he/she” believes will be the best suitable experience to satisfy this “ideal experience” within “him/herself” , nevertheless, once that we experience it for the first time, it just simply doesn´t feel as we expected it to be.

To understand this, I would like to be very clear in the approach that I am pretending to bring here, and for this I would like to ask to everyone reading to ask yourselves: “Do you think that you are able to kill someone?” Maybe many people will be able to respond to this that “No”. Ok, so now, let’s say that you see someone abusing your child, or abusing a woman on the street, or your beloved ones, would you be able to kill him? Maybe the answer has changed a little bit… and even if we find ourselves not “being able to kill someone”, at least we will find that we may react in such a way where we can do a lot of harm to such a person, and what I want you to realize is the following “Violence exist within ourselves, within each one actually, as a point that remains potentially closed for moments where we react in such a way to the situation that this point of violence will come within ourselves”

Something similar happens with such sexual arousals, I mean, they are there and you experience them as much as the rapist experience them, but do you know what they are? Where they come from? Why they exists? It´s not only “instinct”, the very foundation from which it is created and how it is created is structured within the dynamics of relationships, otherwise you could say that it is useless, because you will direct your input in such sexual arousal accordingly to the codes, the social codes that will allow you to go for the sexual relationship you want. What makes the difference between the rapist experiencing such sexual arousal and you?

If we are direct in terms of analyzing the main difference between you and the rapist is that the rapist doesn´t have as much control of them as you have, but what is that control? Where does it comes from? Doesn´t it come in some way from self-confidence? Self-trust? I must tell you, that I have walked through this experiences for quite some years, I have get several rehabilitation therapies and I have get through this type of experiences within my life, and what I have come to realize is that our Idealism, gets defined by our personal fears, insecurities, friends, relationships and specially by our relationships to our parents.

Everything of our preferences is calculated and defined specifically in this points (fears, insecurities, friends, relationships and relationships to parents) the way we touch, the way we see the other person and ourselves, the way we think and live sex, everything!

And the reason why I say this, is that if you see at the porn industry, conveniently it has come to change the way we see and live sex, not only due to the obvious pint of “creating a picture and idea of what a women and a man should look like”, but about how sex becomes such a defining factor (specially within the cultures of Occident) that it even defines value in us as who we are, and this dependent on “if you have it or not”.

Sex in this society has becomes such an extreme point of importance, that the boys and girls feel very anxious and almost a “need” of experiencing it at a very early age in their life´s, just to feel accepted and recognized by their friends. And this is something also important to understand the rapist, because, the rapist don´t want sex as much as he/she wants control…

Yes, as you have heard it, the very Idealism of sex, gets mold and defined around this apparent need and want for such an important experience of recognition, that to have it, becomes actually… what generates your sexual arousal…

Now, this “idealism” projected within and as sex, is what I have found is precisely the point that drove me to do what I did when I was 14-15 years old.

This begun one night when one of my cousins came with her family to visit us; my cousin was by that time at the age of 9-10 years old, and I will not deny the fact that I actually found myself to be quite mesmerized by how beautiful she at her early age.

I was by that time going through a lot of pornography on a daily basis, and I mean I used to masturbate even as much as 3-4 times a day watching porn movies, and another fact that I consider relevant is that by that time, I was still virgin, I mean the “ideal” of what sex feels like, was still pretty much in my mind, and mainly on that specific period of my life.

We were playing in my room while everyone else was talking in the dinner room and, as I was playing with my cousin, we were running and jumping around and I began to notice that she was sweating and I will ask her to remove her clothes and she will do it, and then I will began to touch her body and actually I could notice that she was getting uncomfortable as I touched her, and so do I, I was realizing what I was doing as I was touching her and I sincerely was very afraid of seeing what I was doing as I was touching my little cousin, but at the same time I couldn´t stop and this conflict within my mind began in which I was telling to myself “Stop, Stop, Stop!” but at the same time I was telling on the other side: “Just a little bit more”.

To not make the story uncomfortably long, when I began to touch her in her private parts, it was in that moment that she asked me to stop and I did it, I really fucking swear that I did stop and didn´t went beyond that. That was the first and only experience of such nature that I ever did in my entire life. I don´t pretend to diminish the severity of my actions, but really believe me when I tell you that it could be worse, it could get really, really worse in my life, because such thoughts would come years later in my life, when every time that the sexual arousal would come, I would be afraid of walking out into the city and see any girl, because I would think that I would maybe, possibly be driven by this arousal to have sex with them and to even rape them.

Once the thoughts begun to assault me in my mind, it would be a real fight against myself to stop them; I will hit and bite and punch myself to make me stop… but nothing was working; something to which I recurred was the physical exercise, yes as you hear it, cause it will help me to move the sexual arousal of energy out of my body, nevertheless this was almost a “bandaid solution”, meaning it couldn´t last for too long, but at least it would help me move out of such experiences.

And at the very end, what really assisted me and supported me the most, was writing, was writing my experience and apply the tools that I learned in the process of Desteni, and slowly but surely, that´s how I began to realize, how I created the relationship to sex the way I did it, why I was feeling attracted to an specific type of body in the women, why that arousal and where everything originated… my childhood.

I wasn´t physically abused by my parents or anything like that, but I do had difficult relationships with my schoolmates, especially at the age of 12-13 where I began to get interested on the girls of my classroom. Having sex was quite a subject of interest amongst my schoolmates, as it was the very experience of relationships “who gets the best girl? Type of thing”, and the competence was very deep, I really find fascinating how easily we link relationships to sex today, it´s almost like in our childhood, it becomes impossible to think in relationships without directly linking it to sex in one way or another.

And porn doesn´t makes it more easy in any way, precisely because sex gets defined in the most abundant “resource of information” that you get on internet “pornography”. It is imperative to look carefully at the dynamics of abuse and submission that takes place on pornography, because the body language, the touch, the words, everything is designed in a way where you get the idea that they want you to believe “indirectly”, and when you don´t even expect it, you are already speaking of women as if they were sexual objects, and you are having thoughts about them.

This will be very difficult and maybe painful, and this is to look at ourselves (specially males), and see where in our day to day living, do we allow any sexual desire in our minds to come up with a thought, a picture, an idea in our head of this experience that we may fantasize about ourselves being with a female or male, that we just like use in this pictures expecting it to satisfy our sexual arousal, you would be amaze of what can come… but this you have to realize it yourself, I cannot tell you what your specific relationship with sex is, you have to look at it for yourself.

Be careful of pornography, it can really drive you into the most abusive experiences towards yourself and others.

Will share more in other time

If you are not yet fully informed of the harm that pornography does, please check out the following links:

Please check out this interview series, which are completely free for you to be able to assist and support yourself in developing an effective sexual expression within masturbation and within this, become a part of the solution of stopping the abuse taking place in this world:

Also (if you prefer so) check out the Spanish version:


Stopping The Porn in My Head – Pt. 3 – DAY 33


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This is the third and last series in the series about stopping the porn in one’s head, the fantasies and imaginations. Read the first two parts here:

I commit myself to understanding how I am abusing the body and how I am creating a defunct sexual expression by allowing myself to watch and masturbate to porn, to understand this by looking at the consequences of my actions, by looking at what I have defined as sexual and relating that back to the physical reality in participating in communication with the opposite or same sex
I commit myself to realizing the reason why I cannot masturbate without images is because I have only used images the entire time that I have been masturbating and have programmed the body/mind to react to only images
I commit myself to reconnecting with the body by giving myself patience as I practice removing the images/ideas/thoughts/stimulus created from porn when they come up, forgiving myself in that moment, and understanding that if I am to continue with masturbating to images/thoughts/ideas that I am only creating more of a presence within the mind and further separating myself from the body
I commit myself to honouring the body as life by stopping myself from participating in idea/images/thoughts when masturbating and if they come up while I am masturbating in self honesty, stop, reassess my starting point, clear the starting point and if they remain present, to stop myself from masturbating in that moment
I commit myself to treating the body with respect by stopping my relationship to believing that I need images in order to masturbate and then pushing beyond that belief within practicing and testing out masturbating without images and masturbating only with myself here
I commit myself to understanding what it is that I am doing to the body while I am masturbating to images or creating thoughts and ideas within the mind based upon those images and what it is that I am telling the body through masturbating to the images meaning that what it is that I am showing the body in relation to only focusing on the images to get myself off and from this reassess my starting point within masturbating to images and give myself a clear understanding/realization of what I have accepted from myself
I commit myself to stopping the images of porn or of sexual attraction when they come up in the mind, so meaning, when/as I am walking on the street and I am faced with a sexually provocative advertisement and I become aroused, I stop, I breathe in the moment, I take the thought/idea/image here as myself and through breathing remove and stop the energy that is moving in that moment bring myself back here, meaning not influenced by the image, and re-direct myself within whatever task that I was doing in that moment
I commit myself to realizing/seeing only an idea of what that image is representing and seeing/creating an idea of what/how I would like to experience myself in relation to that IMAGE and that IMAGE is in no way related to the physical movements of sex or the physical body of another nor myself. So when/as I see an image that provokes sexual arousal I bring that sexual arousal in relation to the physical reality and see if it holds up, if it doesn’t then I commit myself to in that moment let it go because it is not a living embodiment of the physical expression of the body that when I see an image that provokes sexual arousal within myself that I am
I commit myself to when/as I see an image and think about how I would approach the idea of the image to realize that I AM NOT THERE within the idea/image and thus I commit myself to bring myself back here to physical reality and direct myself in that moment here with myself in/as the body and not allow the image/idea to direct the physical body as I am not a slave to the mind nor the thoughts that pop up within the mind in relation to sexual arousal and in this I commit myself to allow the only sexual arousal to be from here within the physical, meaning if I am touched by a person and physical arousal exists then I allow it, if the body is telling me that I am aroused then I allow it, in this I commit myself to remain self honest within seeing where/how the arousal comes up and if it is from an idea or energy that I stop it and release myself from the energy
I commit myself to realigning myself with the body by working with masturbation with myself here without images running through the mind, without being stimulated by images and without ideas of what to expect or ideas pertaining to what turns me on and in this to move myself unconditionally with the body exploring what the body in fact likes within being touched and explored and how to move myself in equality and oneness with the body, realizing that I am the body and the body is me thus meaning that I can move myself within the body without judgements or expectations of myself in relation to masturbation and simply explore myself with the body here in physical touch
Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

Stopping The Porn in My Head – Pt. 2 – DAY 32


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Continuing from Part 1 with Self-Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I cannot get it up without images stimulating a sexual arousal within me that I cannot masturbate without images which is only an excuse and justification to continue my relationship with porn and masturbationI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason why it is difficult to masturbate without images is because I have told the body over time that I require images to stimulate a sexual arousal within me and that I have no use for the body’s natural sexual expression and therefore the body’s natural sexual expression has become defunct because I have decided within myself who I will be in relation to the body and sex and masturbation through the continual use of porn and images to excite the mind to then say that I want to masturbate now. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the body by deciding within the mind when/as it is time to masturbate simply because I am bored or I `have nothing else to do` wherein I then masturbate many times within one day only because I am accepting a thought that says I want to masturbate instead of listening to the body and what it is telling me about sex/masturbationI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and excuse my relationship to porn and masturbation by assuming that without porn or images or any external stimulus I won’t be able to find that sexual stimulus that provides the attraction that I have defined in relation to the ability to masturbateI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, or understand that I have been abusing the body by masturbating to images and that I have been abusing the body by not being here with the body but up in the mind with the desires and emotions and feelings that generate a feelingsin relation to masturbation when in reality, when you take a look at the physical reality without any emotions or movements within the mind all that exists with masturbation is the physical body and selfI forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by masturbating to porn throughout time and by looking for more and more stimulus to get the mind excited with different varieties of porn and throughout time becoming more specific with what I am defining as what will excite me I am creating more and more of a separation between the body and me and more of a connection between myself and the mind resulting in a limited spectrum of sexual expression defined within/as the images/ideas that I have become more specific in which I say `excites me` or `gets me off` or `turns me on` , this results in limiting the body and mind within what will excite self when masturbating and thus when attempting to masturbate without porn it is going to be `difficult` because the body has not been supported with it’s natural expression within masturbation and only the increase in specificity of the ideas have been supported

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or understand or see that it is going to take time to discover what the natural self expression of the body really is, and it is going to take time to remove the images and ideas that I have placed within the memory so that when I decide to explore the natural sexual expression the images and ideas do not come up thus I can be with the body here and explore myself in relation to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form the body through accepting myself to masturbate to porn and believe that only through porn, through images, through ideas that I will be able to masturbate, absolutely denying the physical body and how it operates, stating that I only need the mind to masturbate and create sexual arousal

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I masturbate from porn, what I am masturbating to is emotions and feelings regarding what I am watching and what I am thinking in relation to what I am watching and through compounding the emotional energy and the thought processes over time I separate myself further from the body which may result in not being able to masturbate solely on my own and may lead to impotence with a partner that I have because I have programmed the body to only respond to the emotions/ideas/thoughts that I have accepted and allowed from the mind while I am masturbating to porn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the body it’s natural sexual expression through masturbating to porn and stating/believing that I can only masturbate to images or porn, justifying why I do not want to let go of the addiction to porn and the emotions/feelings/thoughts that I create while masturbating to porn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that while I masturbate to porn and have thoughts or ideas about what is turning me on I am programming the body to only respond to those images or ideas in relation to sex/masturbation which will result in an absolute dependency upon porn to become aroused which is going to affect the physical relationships that I have and my ability to speak to women as that will be all that I see when/if I see a female

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through masturbating to images/ideas/thoughts/porn over time that I am going to be dependent on those images/ideas/thoughts/porn in order for myself to express a point of sexual arousal; absolutely limiting myself in regards to self expression within sex/masturbation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my relationship to porn and masturbation through accepting the belief that I cannot masturbate without images/porn and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why I cannot masturbate without images or arousal or thoughts stimulating emotions or stimulating lust

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when/if the time comes that I cannot masturbate without images that I have created a consequence wherein I am separate from the body and the understanding of the body in the natural sexual arousal of itself and that I have created a consequence that may not be possible to turn back from, and in this to realize that I have gone too far with my addiction and my acceptance of myself masturbating to porn/images/ideas/thoughts/emotions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the shame of my actions resulting from masturbating to porn and act on that shame in relation to investigating the shame and what I have accepted from myself in relation to the relationship between myself and porn and sex/masturbation and women. From this see this shame of my actions and forgive myself while the shame is here for what I have accepted and allowed from myself in relation to masturbating to porn and the consequences that I have brought myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/understand that if I continue my relationship to masturbating to porn I will be creating a life for myself that I would not in fact like to live and I am creating a life of hate and anger and frustration and depression and fear and insecurity because of the relationship I have allowed to the body and to the idea of the image of women

Continued in the next post

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

Stopping The Porn in My Head – Pt. 1 – DAY 31


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While I was stopping masturbation to porn I found that a common fear of mine was `how do I masturbate without porn?` `How do I stimulate that belief and attraction without images or without words or without something external from myself?` What I was saying within this statement was that I was so disconnected from my body that I could not be here with myself and masturbate here with myself in a point of self expression. I was saying that I needed an external stimulus or either porn, ideas, images, or thoughts to stimulate the desire to masturbate. Never did I question what was going on in this statement; I held it as a belief so that I could justify and excuse myself to accept myself to masturbate to porn or accept ideas related to sex, or accept myself to look at memories of images in the mind so that I could stimulate myself to masturbate with energy. So again, I thought and believed that I needed porn or images or ideas to stimulate myself enough so that I could masturbateThat belief that I had is an absolute separation from the body. When you take a look at masturbation without the mind all that is here is self in the body masturbating. Thus within the physical action of/as masturbating all that you need is self here with the body. When you add the mind to the equation, what then exists is an emotional fuel source for the mind and an energetic fuel source for the mind to revel in the movements of emotions, energy, desire and from this compound the programmed ideas beliefs of what will stimulate self to be able to masturbate. So what I was saying within the statement that I cannot masturbate without images or porn is that I want and desire the energy within the emotions and reactions and lust within viewing images and I wanted to, you know, create fantasies within the mind about how I would be within that position when/as viewing porn which again is not an equal alignment here with the body.

When I first attempted to masturbate without porn, I couldn’t do it. I could not get it up because I had programmed the body and mind to use the ideas/images of porn or within thoughts to stimulate the body to arousal and therefore I was quite disconnected from the body. From this I became frustrated because I wanted to masturbate at that moment but I obviously couldn’t. I then used that belief that I needed porn to continue looking at porn instead of investigating why it was that I could not be here with the body and express myself within self honest masturbationself honesty meaning I know my starting point is to express myself and not to support the ideas, images, beliefs of what I held as attractive or sexually arousing. I mean since masturbating from about age 12 or so, the body became programmed to need that form of sexual arousal because I rarely, if ever, masturbated solely with myself here in the body. And since there was the use of porn the ideas that stimulated the arousal started to become more specific, so specific to the point that only that image/idea would arouse me which meant no sex life because sex within the physical reality does not coincide with the ideas and images that I would use to stimulate myself and programmed the body/mind to respond to.

With many males who are facing the same process, one of understanding the body and getting back in touch with the body through exploration of real self expression within masturbation/sex, it will certainly take time to understand how the body is going to function in these cases because all that we’ve ever told the body is that we have no use for the real self expression within sex/masturbation because we have primarily used the ideas/images/porn to masturbate to = saying “I have porn and I will use that to generate arousal instead of listening to the body and how it in fact becomes aroused.” So from the body’s perspective it isn’t being used to stimulate itself nor is it being explored within self honesty; it realizes that the mind is `taking over` the point of sexual attraction via using emotions and feelings so to speak, so it doesn’t move when/as physical arousal is here because self within the body never explored that point.

There are preventative measures that one can take, as well as corrective. The preventative measures relies on the parents teaching children exactly what porn is, like sitting down with them and showing them porn, showing them what is really going on behind the scenes and showing that most of the scenes/movies are all staged and acted out and how real physical sex does not relate to what is being shown in porn. From there it is to let the child decide for themselves, no judgement, no morality, no reactions, simply showing them the consequences of their actions if one chooses to continue to participate with viewing porn. The corrective measures are firstly stopping participation in porn, the second is to start to investigate how the body responds to movement on itself and the then explore the body and sexual expression from the starting point of no images, no desires, no thoughts, no porn, no ideas, and simply move from an absolute clear starting point. It most likely won’t be easy at first, lots of frustration came up within me, but the key is to move through that frustration and to remain committed to ones principles of stopping porn and living what is best for self in relation to sex/masturbation/sexuality

In the next post I will write self forgiveness statements on the above mentioned

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

Walking Through the Addiction to Pornography: DAY 30


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I started to watch pornography in the first year of high school. There almost everyone was interested in sex and relationships and for the guys with computers it become natural to share their porn collections between each other. Every time someone brought a new porn movie into the classroom it would be a point of discussion and almost a fight as to who gets to borrow and copy it first. The discussion would be in the veins of “Is it good?” “Yeah, it’s fucking amazing!”. The discussion participants referring to the energetic experience, or high, they got from this particular movie. That’s where my definition of sex and the sexual experience between man and woman developed. So what is this definition of sex based on pictures, movies and visual stimulation? It is an addiction to the energetic experience of rush, anticipation, excitement, connected to particular body shapes, sounds and movements as depicted and recorded within a porn movie. Is it natural to “enjoy” pornography? Where and how does one create the connection, and as such accept and allow to have certain emotions and feelings triggered within oneself, between watching pictures or video of people having sex and the energetic mind experience itself? Is it something natural, something one is born with or is it something one actually learns to do through observing ones environment? From my experience it is indeed something one is taught to do through constant manipulation through imprinting the connection between beauty as certain specific human body shape as defined within television and literature and pleasure as a result of interaction with such a body shape through and as sex. And this manipulation is not only present in the pornography itself. It is present within the very first stories we tell our children about the beautiful, innocent princess and a strong, handsome, young prince and their eventual connection as love, romance or marriage defined and depicted as something wonderful and great. That is the initial stage where I’ve created the basic outline of what it is that I desire from a relationship, from another human being, from a woman. The next step is learning about sex and that such interaction is possible between two people. This is the next layer I would imprint on the initial blueprint of the perfect prince and princess and their perfect relationship. This sex is something they can do and as they’re bodies, skills, abilities, deeds and personalities are perfect this sex they experience must be perfect too. This perception of perfect sex and the pleasure it allows one to experience is reinforced within the cinematography from it’s very beginning. There you can see the perfect people enjoying perfect romance and eventually perfect sex as the pinnacle of human expression and as the most ecstatic experience one can engage into. Within observing this the though of “I want to experience this” emerges. The desire for a perfect relationship and within that the desire for the perfect sex is born. Pornography is then the next logical step one immerses into, if one has access to such a thing. It further reinforces the belief one has already created about certain body shapes as pictures on the screen and what one experiences within the interaction of such body shapes as sex. One connects, reinforces and multiplies the feelings of excitement, rush, being overwhelmed with ecstasy with these pictures. Pornography then provides for more specifics like what are the specific sexual positions and techniques one would like to experience as those are the ones that one experiences the most intense feelings when observing them on the computer or TV screen. This can go on for years. And in my case it did. I watched pornography and used it to generate energy as excitement to have a nice experience within masturbation from the beginning of high school. I stopped only when finally facing myself for the first time for real within the application of self-honesty and self-forgiveness within studying and applying the Desteni research. One of the points of stopping the addiction to pornography was to actually face myself within having a real physical sex with another. Engaging a woman and creating a relationship with her as to eventually have sex was something I allowed myself to do only when I decided to stop with masturbating using fantasies and pictures. Only within that decision I mustered enough courage to actually do what I dreamed about for years. And to my surprise, it was nothing like I though, imagined and believed it would be from watching pornography. The difference between the belief and fantasy of what sex is, created through pornography, and the real physical act of sex Within my first real sexual experience I obviously tried to apply everything I’ve “learned” within watching pornography. And I did. Yet it was no ecstatic experience. The orgasm was “less than” what I’ve experienced within masturbation. There are two routes one can go from the realization that the real sex is nothing like what one dreamed about from watching television, reading and watching pornography. The first is to hold onto the belief that the perfect sex as depicted within pornography is somewhere out there and one only has to get hold of the perfect partner and amass enough experience to be a porn star on ones own. Such a route is not something I recommend taking. It operates based on the belief which one proven to oneself not to be real. It operates within the assumption that something will change in the future and this dream of mine is waiting there for me only if I do this or that and/or get this and that. That is not something one can build on, one can develop. It’s a never-ending search for something better. Yet this is what most people choose to do. And you can see the results within all the crashing relationships of all the perfect personalities as celebrities, actors, models, “soul mates” and the “leaders” of our world. It all crashes, the dream of perfect relationship and the perfect sex is never fulfilled. The solution I present to you another way. First stop and let go of, remove, delete, discard and forgive all the fantasies, pictures, beliefs, energetic connections, dreams, expectations and blueprints within and as your mind and body. This in itself is quite a process, yet something you do step by step, breath by breath and within that it’s simplistic and doable for everyone that dares. Everything on how to remove these things is presented within the Desteni material. This stopping is like entering an abyss you have to walk through and survive the quench. Your ability to stand within the face of the desire, allocate oneself, keep walking and moving oneself without emotional wobbles is what determines the length of the whole process of giving up that which does not serve you as the addiction to imaginary “sex” supported through pornography and imagination. By the way, mentioning imagination – it is the same thing as watching pornography. You’re using other people, rape them in your mind, without their permission and you justify it with that it is harmless. It’s not. First you support the whole concept of sexual abuse and rape where you want something, you can’t get it through the means of actually agreeing with other real person on walking together an exploring your sexuality, so you find a way around it. It start within the mind, then proceeds to actual physical acts that eventually lead to rape. So sexual imagination has to be completely stopped as well. C’mon, apply some self-honesty and see for yourself what is the actual outflow of what it is that you’re doing. Apply your imagination in a constructive way: intensify everything you’re doing – having to use constantly more brutal and brutal fantasies to get the same energetic experience as excitement and rush and see where it leads to. If you can see that and you actually have some brain left – stop while you can. It’s worth it. Because as you walk through the abyss of stopping and giving up that which you identifying as invalid within yourself you can slowly proceed to exploring that which is real. In my case I walked the stopping of the porn addiction for a few years. And I’ve fallen many times – where I would get back to using porn to masturbate. Then I had to stood up again, start from scratch again and forgive myself. As I got better with it, my resolve and trust within myself grow stronger. Within that I was able to actually approach females and communicate, actually enjoy it and relax within it as there was no, or very little, backchat as sexual fantasies. Within that you’re able to appreciate another being for who she really is and not just a picture in your mind you want to fuck with. After some more time, application and standing by my decision, I found a partner I walk with, enjoy my time with and explore sexuality within open communication and without any hidden secrets, agendas, wants and needs. It’s something that flows naturally through us walking together, supporting each other and enjoying each other within communication, work, play and sex. The sexual expression develops slowly, step by step, breath by breath as I explore my body and the body of another and learn what it is to actually be within my body and what it is to touch another, to be intimate with another, what it is that each one enjoys.

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

Porn and Sexual Attraction: DAY 29


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I am a person who has participated in porn for much of my adult life and the imagery associated with porn or the sexual attraction defined within the images of media, which is able to stimulate sexual attraction within the mind,consequences for myself in this life. Consequences because I have given more attention to the mind and the attraction/energy stimulation within the mind than the real physical attraction existent within the physical. This means that sexual stimulation or attraction primarily comes from images and is stimulated by images and the physical sexual attraction – like when the physical body is showing me that it is stimulated – has been suppressed and not given attention simply because I have given more attention to the mind.

Since I have participated in porn for quite a while in my life; sexual attraction has definitely become warped. The images and ideas of what is sexual promoted through porn have become what I have wired the brain and mind to define as `attractive` , and these ideas and images are not real whatsoever, they are idealized and absolute illusory ideas of sexual attraction and/or images of body. Like if you take for example the various subreddits of porn on reddit and how each subreddit is geared towards a specific fantasy or idealized version of a form of sexual attraction it is easy to see, through those examples, how warped the idea of sexual attraction has become through porn. The idea of sexual attraction or the sexual stimulation is only based on images, based on the thoughts that those images start to represent and are only ever an illusion that one participates within ones mind, it is not real whatsoever; it may be believed to be real but when it comes down to the actual practical participation in sex the images are not able to stand equal with the physical because one is not having sex with the idea or image, one is having sex with another individual. This is where the fuckup can exist because when one is initiating sex with another individual and is participating in the images and ideas of what turns oneself on then one is getting off only on the ideas that one is participating in and not, in fact, participating equally with the other in/as the act of sex.

This doesn’t only exist within porn and the images that porn represents but it also exists within media and thoughts. So like when you think for example “That person has a nice ass” or “That person has a nice body” those thoughts as well are participating in an illusion of sexual attraction because when those thoughts come up the image of the other person is being sexualized through the images and ideas persistent within the mind at that moment and then if one creates sexual attraction through those images and thoughts then one is not paying attention to the physical body in/as the life that it is in/as sexual attraction through the physical. At that moment one is allowing oneself to participate in the illusion that the mind is presenting in that one moment that suggests is sexually attractive and one is believing that sexual attraction to be real in that moment; instead of paying attention to the physical body and the messages that it is sending.

For myself I have slowly started to see/realize/understand that what I am participating in when I am valuing the image and idealization of the body parts in which I have accepted as sexual attraction have been an illusion. I have slowly started to see/realize that the thoughts that I have in regards to sexual attraction are as well only an illusion because as I see the thought and see the imagery within/as the thought and take note of the thought I see that the image and representation of sexuality that the thought is presenting is not here in the physical reality; it is within the mind being presented as real through media influence and porn influence when in fact it is not reality based here in the physical. So when that starts to happen, as of recently, I can start to control what I will accept and allow to be influenced by, so like if a thought comes up I can stop in a moment, assess that thought, and decide whether or not to be influenced/affected by the thought

The thoughts and imagery being an illusion isn’t the only point within porn and the idea of sexual attraction. Through allowing the illusion to take precedence over the physical body and it’s natural expression of sexual need we start to lose contact with the body and how it physically operates within/as sex. We start to require and need imaginary stimulation in order to participate in the physical act of sex, making it less than it is able to be and limiting self expression within sex because we are aiming for the ideas instead of participating here in the physical in the limitless amount of ways that one is able to express oneself during/within/as sex

I’m sure most men won’t want to hear this as we value porn and the imagery that associates porn to quite an extent and are willing to fight for the continuation of porn over real physical intimacy with another person, but through living within this system of porn for a long time and not heeding the messages of the body I’ve brought consequences to myself that are certainly not worth the illusion. Through time and corrective application one is able to stop those images and thoughts that are presenting a false idea of what sexual attraction is and is able to actually explore oneself physically to see what one truly in fact likes and how the physical operates within/as sex without mental masturbation being a bridge towards sex/sexuality.

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.