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My Earliest Memory of when I was ‘exposed’ porn was when I was about 15. I was with a friend and we went to a much older man’s house one time.  He wasn’t someone that I had met before, but she was going out with his friend.  When we got to the house they put a porn film on.  I had never sat and watched one before.  I had seen pictures in magazines – but never a porn film.   I found myself becoming very aroused and this resulted in me ‘making out with this guy’ that I had just met because I was so turned on.

Now rewinding back about 5 years and I was around 10.  I was curious to see how my friend looked when she was naked so we got undressed, but what started out as a curiosity became a fascination with the female parts.  I am not a lesbian but I got a kick or ‘turned on’ from looking at woman more than men for some reason.  Although I have never had sex with a woman or even kissed one in ‘that way’ but I found myself being drawn to women when I was watching or looking at porn and often times I would seek out the female on female type of porn for satisfaction.  I found the males a little threatening if I am honest and that kind of ‘hard fucking’ bothered me, the woman seemed more gentle and in tune with each other.

As I am writing this out I see/realise and understand that my ‘par chant’ for women was because I was lacking within and as me that part of femininity and self love and care that I craved, so my addiction to looking at them whilst masturbating was actually my own way of trying to give love to myself.

I found that when I was in the throes of this addiction the energy was so strong it was hard not to go with it.  Then afterwards I would be left feeling disgusted and guilty with myself.

I am a grown woman now and many relationships on I don’t experience the need to do this anymore.  I have moved on you can say.  I stopped my addiction to porn over a year ago.  I just decided one day to push through the desire and it was hard, because I found, I masturbated when I was bored primarily.  So I would just busy myself with tasks to literally take my mind off it.

These days my relationship to self love is different and through excepting myself and giving myself the love and care that I was lacking through self forgiveness I am not drawn to, or no longer desire to view porn and I don’t have any pictures in my mind any longer when I have sex.   My sex life has improved dramatically and is improving every day.

The way out of this addiction is only ever going to be through self forgiveness as it was for me and to literally will yourself to not participate, and I guarantee it you will be a better, happier individual for it.  Porn literally sucks the life out of you as an energetic addiction and I really didn’t know how much of a problem it was for me until I stopped.

 Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am strange and dirty because I find female bodies interesting and fascinating, and within this I had developed and attraction to them, more so than men and within this as a child I became confused because in the ‘cold light of day’ I didn’t fancy woman.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret fantasies about women’s bodies and within this want to view them in porn movies so that I could pleasure myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise and understand that I was escaping life and real life relationships for fantasies in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to woman with what I consider is the ideal looking body and want to look like them and have men desire me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself and guilty for preferring to view porn over and above having a sexual relationship with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view sex as a kind of chore that was based on my experience/knowledge of sex – through watching porn, and I never really fully connected with another intimately, as I assumed that I was there to pleasure them and my satisfaction didn’t really matter. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am there to pleasure men only in some kind of mechanical fucking – so that they could get a release.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself the time that I deserve to get to know me in self intimacy.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard how I am really feeling for the sake of another and within this I have viewed sex as something that I must give to get love and respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I don’t have a voice when it comes to sex and what I like. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become embarrassed and ashamed to ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that my own physical body is ugly and that my female parts could be better looking all based on what I have seen from watching porn and within this I have created a belief within and as me that is really how woman look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed to be naked in front of a partner, and within this try to position myself in such a way that he will see my in the best light as I have defined it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation from my human physical body and see it as something to be ashamed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word ‘virgina’ as a dirty word and the word ‘penis’ as a dirty word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that man are only after one thing ‘sex’ and within this I have created a belief within and as me that it makes them threatening.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself as ‘tempted’ to look at porn because I have told myself that I need this to turn me on and within this I am drawn to switching on the computer to view a site or that I want to find some pictures so that I can satisfy myself in masturbation.  I immediately stop in this moment and I take a deep breath and I hold for a count of four and I release for a count of four, and I repeat this process and I tell myself that I am in my mind attempting to take myself off literally on a mind fuck so and that in this moment now that I am aware of myself as ‘tempted’ is a perfect opportunity for me to change and stop this addiction.  I commit to keep applying the four count breath and I apply self forgiveness on the points still coming up with and as me as patterned behaviour.

When and as I experience myself as going off in my mind during sex, in a fantasy land of pictures and imagination – Because I have created a belief within and as me that this will heighten my experience of sex.  I Immediately stop and I e and I slow myself right down and I bring myself here to who I am with in that moment, and I focus on the physical body that is in front of me and I keep breathing and I become aware of the feel of the persons skin and the actual touching and experiencing of one another, skin on skin.  And I stop my mind and I see/realise and understand that when I am in my mind and not here/present with the one I am with – I am not actually experiencing them or myself as I am somewhere out there looking for a fix of energy , that ultimately does not last and keeps me entrapped in my mind as separation.  I commit myself to remain here during sex, within and as my physical body, aware of every movement and touch and if I attempt to take myself off on a trip of fantasy – I immediately stop each time and bring myself here until I am at a point that I am directing myself within and as the physical and I have stopped the mind from being the directive principle of me.

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to not go back to using porn

I commit myself to take more care of myself

I commit myself to keep walking my process of becoming self intimate

I commit myself to drop the shame and guilt associated with watching and enjoying porn

I commit myself to realise my potential as a woman

I commit myself to enjoy the act of sex with my partner and not go off in my mind thinking about how things should or could be.

I commit myself to never again use fantasy to stimulate me and turn me on.

I commit myself to remain here within and as the breath and nothing moving within and as me as thoughts/ fantasies /wishes when having sex or masturbation.

I commit myself to continue allow myself to get to know my own body through touch.

I commit myself to keep working with the four count breath to slow myself down and bring myself back to here out of the mind.

For more information about how you can utilize the tool of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, join, DIP Lite – the FREE online course. For more support on Porn Addiction, visit the Desteni Forum.