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Continuing with my previous story in which I shared how I participated on pornography which eventually lead me to participate on prostitution, here I will share the process of forgiving myself for accepting and allowing to myself to participate on pornography and on prostitution. Read the previous blog here.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to myself to participate in pornography so that I were able to be accepted by my schoolmates, and I see within this that, when I was watching pornography at that age, I didn´t had any reaction to it, any sensation attached to it, it will be a process of watching it constantly and continuously in which I will see the man having an erection when he was in front of the woman naked, and then there are these scenes in which they specifically focus on certain parts of the female body, accentuating that as “something important” and then I will watch to the girls on the school, making all of this comparisons in my mind and actually when seeing the ass of the girls I will expect to have or get this of experience. The orgasm and the sounds and the expressions, were actually completely acted, as they are at the very end, only porn movies, in which the people are acting and pretending to enjoy it, when it is actually a movie with actors, and I mean, it is not even sex, because when later in my life, when really experiencing sex, I will have all of this expectations and ideas linked to it, and then I will experience this form of “disappointment” within it, in which I created this relationship towards the idea itself of “what I should experience within it”, you know, when hearing the noises and seeing the expressions of the people, one creates the idea that it is something that one will enjoy and experience as one imagines it, and in the end, it was just this experience of disappointment towards sex, only because of my expectations towards it. But instead of stopping I will then blame the person with who I had sex with, and you can imagine what I did, I will search for the girl who had the most similar “picture linked to my ideas of pleasure”, I will search girls with big butts or big breasts, and you know, the same also happened in relation to love, when I will search the picture of the girl that I would relate from movies, books, pictures and so on.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the people who were participating on porn movies were enjoying what they were doing, without even seeing that I was actually only seeing what I wanted to see, because there was moments in which I will see this movies and, you know, it’s all completely fake and the noises are completely acted, but I will disregard that and I will focus only on what I wanted to see, I remain responsible for this experience as I had the opportunity of stopping, I had the opportunity of saying “its enough of this”, but I didn´t wanted to give up the experience of masturbation within watching porn, I didn´t wanted to give up my experiences and this is because, I knew that if I were going to stop them, what I will see is how limited I have become through defining myself around just one point, as the obsession of fulfilling this emotional experiences and reactions.

Therefore, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was getting the energetic experience of stimulation by the porn pictures, by creating this link towards them in my mind through the ideas that I was able to “have this experience or stimuli myself in the way that I was doing it, only because I was watching porn” and within that, I will notice how every time that I wanted to masturbate I will believe that I required of a picture to it, and it will actually become more worse because it will be enough that I think in a picture and I will immediately search for porn, which is actually the complete inversion of the point of “choice isn´t it?Energy in control of its owner, which is exactly the pure reflection of methodical conditioning, this is how the people rape, because once they have a picture in the mind, they will just go, they will obey the impulse. So, PEOPLE WHO MASTURBATE USING PORN LISTEN: “YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY FUCKING CHOICE OF WATCHING PORN, YOU ARE DOING IT ON THE BELIEVE THAT YOU DEPEND OF IT AND THAT YOU NEED IT” THAT IS WHY YOU JUSTIFY AND SAY THAT “I NEED PORN” BULLSHIT! not realizing that it was only one creating this experience of stimulation through masturbation and only creating this ideas towards porn as one was watching it while masturbating, which is in fact, something that one will perceive as not being able to do it without the use of pictures, yet one will get the same experience, the same point which is the orgasm if one don´t use any picture at all, because that is what I will notice, that when masturbating I was able to have an orgasm, without any picture in my mind, any picture on the screen or in a paper or anything, I will be able to do it without porn, THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create ideas, expectations and imaginations about sex, in which I actually tergiversate what sex is, and then “I would prefer” masturbating watching porn instead of going and having sex, because I will only be able to experience my idea of sex by using porn, as it was completely separated and not real, this illusion within my mind of what sex is, and now I see that this abuse that I have accepted and allowed within me towards the child abuse and the prostitution, was actually for nothing, those people are suffering in ways that are unspeakable for nothing, and I see how I am responsible for this indifference, for my own participation on this point, only because I wanted to have my personal experience of absolute delusion, which has been only that of having an orgasm…

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to myself to participate on prostitution not caring or considering in any way the women that were on such places, and not even the consequences and the abuse that I was accepting and allowing within my direct participation on the abuse and the prostitution only to have my personal fantasies fulfill which are actually only a relationship towards this ideas that I created about sex and porn

I will continue on the next post

For more information about how you can utilize the tool of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, join, DIP Lite – the FREE online course. For more support on Porn Addiction, visit the Desteni Forum.

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