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I’m going to have to lead by example and this will take real specific work to diffuse all the points of each and every pattern that I am stuck in. Today I checked out the word paradox because while I had a vague idea of what the word means, my understanding of it is limited as I have never really used the word.

Ok so I am back looking at the patterns involved in my relationships and sexuality. I have before talked about images in the mind and now I am looking at the point of how I have ‘created’ the image in my physical world – meaning that the images are already here in the physical world but that I have given extra value and meaning to these images. I notice it now especially since I am in a relationship, because within the relationship agreement there is the trust within the agreement that my partner and I won’t go out fucking other people, and since the relationship has started I notice how much I am actually looking at women’s bodies when I go out into public, and specifically focusing in on particular parts of the bodies. Of course everybody seems to be doing this to some degree or another, both men and women. We tend to refer to this sexualization of body parts in our minds as ‘objectification’ but that inherently doesn’t necessarily mean much because an object is really just an object – rather use the word ‘commodification’ because of the way these objects are turned into objects of desire for possession in a perception of personal gain.

Now I notice that when I am observing these body parts, it is stimulating a mental image as an impression of that image that arises as a thought, with all kinds of values/definitions/beliefs/ideas attached to it, which then charges me energetically as I go throughout my day doing this. I have now began to stop looking when I am in public when I notice that I am doing it, but at times it is very tempting to just continue looking – that ‘what if’ point of ‘what if I will find something more’. That something more is again as I have described, simply in the mind as the mental points as information/ideas/definitions/beliefs that I have associated with these body parts and the physical pictures I see of them. That something more is the ‘heavenly experience’ of being mentally charged through looking at them the ‘rush I get’ because essentially it is creating a point of friction within me which is then experience as excitement, like an adrenaline rush.

Now while I am busy working to stop the images in the mind, to stop looking at the pictures I see when I’m in my world going about my daily living, what is probably the most challenging is to not engage in this experience when I have physical access to the body parts, and I can through this physical touch/interaction, then experience the mental energy that I have mentioned about how I have defined these body parts in my mind, through physical touch – that is probably the most addicting because it is almost like I have made the images in my mind real because the association is so embedded where I touch – then automatically the mental information is triggered and then before I know it, my sexuality/intimacy is a mental experience.

Now what is fascinating about this whole experience is how similar it is to the way we commodify and take possession of the things in our environment/world in our capitalistic way of life – meaning that much of the excitement of the experience of these things is due to how much we have separated ourselves from them, and this act of separating ourselves from them is solidified through our desire to then have an experience of ownership/possession over them. We always tend to want what we don’t have. Let’s just take a look at a simple thing like breasts, for instance. Is it any different from that beautiful shiny new car that your neighbor has that you desire all the more simply because you (and he) believe and perceive that he has ownership over it and you don’t?

That is what the excitement of sexuality between men and women has become – the perceptual experience of attaining access to (or preferably some kind of ownership of) that which we perceive ourselves as separate from. “I don’t have that – I want it!” I mean if I had a pair of breasts then it probably wouldn’t be such an exciting thing to look at breasts would it? And in the cases where it is still the case that one with breasts likes to look at other people with breasts, this would then be more about how we have separated ourselves from each other as living beings/individuals, and even furthermore how we have separated ourselves from ourselves as life, through the creation of mental entities of ourselves called the mind. So as I investigate I see that this is extensive as the stopping of all objectification/commodification relates back to self definition that is created in fear of death/survival, but for now I will have to stick to dealing with the point at hand as each point of the mind can only be dealt with one by one.

There is a lot of research out there with which one can support themselves to see and understand how our sexuality has been developed by outside factors and mental information and the degree to which it controls us, if one is looking for it – for instance I suggest to study the work of Robert Jensen – however if one is not willing to give themselves the basic self respect of trying to understand themselves and facing the reality that you do in fact have a mind that controls your perception of reality (and inherent in that would be that your reality isn’t real because after all, reality is not a perception) then unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to help you get out of the mess that you can’t even admit you’re in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the physical body through creating a mental image of myself that is self-serving in terms of an image that I see as beneficial to my survival, containing within it certain traits that I have copied due to apparently being beneficial towards my chances of surviving and successful in this world as society has defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the female body as the differences in shape, namely in the legs, buttocks, hips, waist, breasts/chest, neck, arms and facial features – within this not realizing that these are chemical conditions which are then only given added value through how I/society have defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give added to value to the female body through defining it as ‘more than’ the male body and giving it added value do to the perceived exclusivity of it through defining it as separate from me/not me/not innately inhabited/possessed by me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to commodify a female body – or even my own male body – into something that I can apparently own or possess based on the desire to acquire it within a survival construct, due to how society has given extra value to the body as a commodity to be used in self interest and personal gain.

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by images/the touch of the female body or even my own body – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize how this has become a form of commodification/objectification/possession based in fear/self interest/survival – and I do not allow myself to participate in the thoughts/mental energy that is generated through the experience of seeing/touching them

I commit myself to touch and embrace the female body without a desire for an energetic experience and to embrace it as myself through breathing through the energies/thoughts/mental images arise through this experience – within this I commit myself to stop the expectation for an experience of ‘something more’ and to give up/breathe through the fear/belief that I am letting go of an experience of ‘something more’/something better

I commit myself to see what is beyond the mind as how I have come to define/experience the physical and the human body

I commit myself to stop giving added value to the female body and parts of the female body which I believe myself to be separate from simply because I am not having a perceptual experience of ‘possessing them’ through not touching/accessing them

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by the image/touch of female the female body and female body parts like breasts, buttocks and legs – I stop, I breathe, I do not continue my participation/movement based within this energy arising/stimulation, and rather breathe through it so that my movement is not creating a form of friction within me as energy/stimulation of the mind – I stop the mind control and move me here as breathe.

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