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I am in a relationship with another Destonian. This is what we call an Agreement within the Desteni group. What this means is that our relationship isn’t based on attraction or on an experience of love. Instead it is build on a practical agreement – hence the word Agreement – that both agree to based on the principles shared by Desteni, to change our way of living from being mind-based in self-interest, to being based on practical living and a consideration of what is best for all. In our agreement we therefore work with transforming and transcending all programmed personalities and behaviors, for example those relationship patterns that we’ve been taught throughout our lives – so that we can establish a new way of living together that is based on practicality. Another point that we work with changing is sexuality and sexual expression – from being based on mental stimulation using images to become aroused, to a physical self-expression of intimacy and self-enjoyment.

For me, as someone who has been addicted to porn and masturbation, this point has been particularly difficult and it is something that I am still walking through even after having been with my partner for quite a while. Many thoughts, concerns and fears emerge when I approach the point of having sex. I’ve been so used to having sex based on mental stimulation, like fantasies that it has been difficult to transform my relationship to sex to a physical self-expression. One of the most prominent experiences that I’ve had is that I simply don’t feel anything. I feel unmotivated to have sex and I have realized that I have a distinct fear of being intimate. Because throughout my life I’ve separated sex from having anything to do with intimacy. Another point I’ve found difficult is how I’ve conditioned my sexuality through all the years watching porn. I’ve gotten used to only being turned on by specific fantasies and images and everything that wasn’t that, didn’t turn me on. I’ve also found that I’ve become so addicted to the energetic stimulation that I got out of masturbating, that I’d rather masturbate than having real sex with another human being, experiencing the latter as complicated and difficult while seeing masturbation as something through which I can derive maximum pleasure because I’m in control.

So the point that I’d like to share here is how, even once one has decided to stop watching porn (I haven’t watched for years) one can still be conditioned by one’s addiction, because it is something that has taken years to condition oneself to. It virtually becomes an integrated part of ‘who’ one is – and this is something that I can imagine that people, who haven’t watched porn, don’t understand. They don’t understand why we cannot simply quit and be over with it. But when you’ve spent years conditioning yourself through masturbating and fantasizing or watching porn every day, it is like the images get burned into your flesh and making a decision to stop, won’t simply make that go away. As a consequence, I have involuntary reactions of sexual arousal to particular words and pictures, while on the other hand experiencing great difficulty with real physical sex. Because within the real physical sex with my partner, within that moment of intimacy, I’m also faced with all the baggage that I’ve got with me – all the years of masturbating and fantasizing. And the most predominant experience within this has been that I feel contaminated. I feel like I have destroyed my sexuality through watching porn, masturbating and fantasizing – and it’s one of those ‘point of no return’ points where, once you cross that line, you can’t go back. You cannot simply erase, ignore or suppress what you’ve accepted and allowed.

So with all this, obviously the solution isn’t to now go into either hope or despair. Because what I’ve seen people do is to then say “then to hell with it! I cannot stop, so I might as well continue.” – because this is exactly the stuff that rapists and child molesters are made of. I am quite sure that there’s only a very minute portion of society who can clinically be defined as pedophiles. These are people with distinct mental disorders, caused sometimes by a combination of events taking place both within their environment as they were growing up as well as in their genetic and neurological make-up. But we’re seeing more and more stories of people abusing, raping and torturing children and as far as I can see, based on my own experience, these people aren’t clinical pedophiles. They didn’t have a mental dysfunction of becoming aroused by watching children as a result of biological and environmental influences. Instead, these are people who have been addicted to porn, masturbation and fantasies, who have gone through the process of creating a dependency on the energetic high generated through masturbating. And just like with many other drugs, the person will need a higher and higher ‘dosage’ to experience the ultimate ‘high’ or ‘buzz’. In the case of habitual masturbators, this then become more hardcore fantasies or porn movies, ending in the most extreme cases with sodomy, necrophilia and pedophilia because that’s the end of the limit – you cannot go further than that. And because society has (obvious) stigmas and taboos towards those points, there’s a renewable ‘fuel’ available to continuously energizing oneself through for example fear of getting caught, through shame, through the thrill of participating in something illegal and bad.

And unfortunately we’re now seeing the consequences of this development in how more and more extreme cases of sexual child abuse is emerging. I started looking at this point for myself, because I recently read a story in the news about a man who was convicted of having intended to kidnap, torture, rape and eat children. It wasn’t clear if he had already done it, but he was discovered through his activities with others online where he tried to get another man to help him kidnap a child. When the police raided his home, they found a torture room in which there was a child sized casket – all of which he had build by himself. So as I read this story, I asked myself: What causes a person to get to this point? How can anyone possibly justify to themselves torturing, raping and eating a small child? How can anyone place a child in a tiny casket and bask in pleasure over hearing their cries for help?

So as I placed myself in the shoes of this guy, meaning I imagined that I am him and asked myself these questions, the answer was: It is ultimate freedom. Doing the most deprived, unthinkable, unacceptable actions is perceived as ultimate freedom. It is a spite of god, of everything. It is saying: “I can do whatever I want and nothing can stop me.” It is perceived as an ultimate thrill to take life to its utmost limit and cross that limit. And it is a consequence of pushing one’s own boundaries to the point where one sees no way back and then might as well continue because it doesn’t matter. Some of the people who commits such acts, probably also think that “I’m going to hell anyway, there’s nothing I can do about that, so I might as well take it to the utmost extreme.” And what is fascinating is that if you look at the photos of these people, they look absolutely dead in their eyes – all life has gone out of them. The really scary thing is that, although some of these people are clinically conditioned, there are more and more of such cases emerging where its seemingly ‘normal people’ who end up committing these acts. It is interesting that people who prey on children are called ‘predators’. Because a predator is an animal that is biologically predisposed to eating meat. As such this term is actually an inadvertent justifications for such people, because apparently their urges are instinctual.

What this means is that we are collectively as a society responsible for creating such ‘monsters’ through our condoning of porn, because it is through watching porn – and through having access to hardcore porn, that these boundaries are being crossed. And this is now being seen even with children committing sexual crimes against each other because they’re emulating what they see in porn movies. And there is an idea of power and control within that – a power and control that most of us feel we don’t have over our own lives. And so to compensate we imagine ourselves having ultimate power and control over another’s life and that gives us a momentary thrill and exaltation.

Now – what I’d like to share here is that there is a solution. While I am not sure how the man I described in the example above could change, I know for a fact that it is possible for those of us who hasn’t yet crossed that porn. One doesn’t have to be in a relationship or an agreement to change one’s sexuality. Obviously it requires a commitment to change it, because like I said, the mental sexuality that we’ve conditioned ourselves into doesn’t simply go away because we decide to stop. What is required is actual real and unconditional self-forgiveness, where we also in self-honesty investigate and expose to ourselves ‘who’ we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Condemning and judging ourselves (or those trapped in the vicious cycle) doesn’t do anyone any good. Because all it does is it causes the person to suppress themselves which makes it even more difficult to be self-honest and actually face oneself. But with self-forgiveness, self-introspection and corrective application we can change what our sexuality has become. It obviously takes a process, because we’ve been brainwashing ourselves to think and feel a certain way for a very long time, often even splitting ourselves into a ‘secret’ and a ‘public’ personality. There is support available through the Desteni I Process, The DIP Lite course, the Desteni forum and most specifically I recommend listening to the interviews on Eqafe about sex, porn and masturbation. Because these take what I’ve mentioned here into extensive detail, explaining the exact processes that is involved with developing such addictions.

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.