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How I almost became a rapistPorn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.

This is not something easy for me to share, and I don´t expect it to be more easy for you (the reader) as you go through my words to understand immediately what conducted me to do what I did; in fact in light of my past mistakes it would be a slightly irrational to presume that there would not be any reactions from you, actually, I ´m pretty aware that many will be angry by this that I will share, and that´s why I have decided to maintain my profile anonymous. So please understand, that the reason why I share this with you, is because I want to help the people and the society to understand “Who we are as the rapist” each and every time that we participate on pornography.

When we try to think about the rapist, we tend to imagine some sort of really perverted and mental ill guy that lives like looked in a very disgusting room, with tons of extremely abusive porn videos and movies, who spies people from his window and fantasies about having them and raping them.

Now, another interesting aspect is that we tend to think in this people as someone who is “out there/far away in his nasty cave planning his/her next move”, but in reality, the rapist is actually someone not far from anybody like you and me, someone close to you and your family, and it could be also very, very, very young

It’s not a secret today, how harming the porn industry can in fact be for the brain and for relationships, as the person who watch pornography loses touch with reality and with what sex really in fact is, he/she begins to create a fantasy of what “he/she” believes will be the best suitable experience to satisfy this “ideal experience” within “him/herself” , nevertheless, once that we experience it for the first time, it just simply doesn´t feel as we expected it to be.

To understand this, I would like to be very clear in the approach that I am pretending to bring here, and for this I would like to ask to everyone reading to ask yourselves: “Do you think that you are able to kill someone?” Maybe many people will be able to respond to this that “No”. Ok, so now, let’s say that you see someone abusing your child, or abusing a woman on the street, or your beloved ones, would you be able to kill him? Maybe the answer has changed a little bit… and even if we find ourselves not “being able to kill someone”, at least we will find that we may react in such a way where we can do a lot of harm to such a person, and what I want you to realize is the following “Violence exist within ourselves, within each one actually, as a point that remains potentially closed for moments where we react in such a way to the situation that this point of violence will come within ourselves”

Something similar happens with such sexual arousals, I mean, they are there and you experience them as much as the rapist experience them, but do you know what they are? Where they come from? Why they exists? It´s not only “instinct”, the very foundation from which it is created and how it is created is structured within the dynamics of relationships, otherwise you could say that it is useless, because you will direct your input in such sexual arousal accordingly to the codes, the social codes that will allow you to go for the sexual relationship you want. What makes the difference between the rapist experiencing such sexual arousal and you?

If we are direct in terms of analyzing the main difference between you and the rapist is that the rapist doesn´t have as much control of them as you have, but what is that control? Where does it comes from? Doesn´t it come in some way from self-confidence? Self-trust? I must tell you, that I have walked through this experiences for quite some years, I have get several rehabilitation therapies and I have get through this type of experiences within my life, and what I have come to realize is that our Idealism, gets defined by our personal fears, insecurities, friends, relationships and specially by our relationships to our parents.

Everything of our preferences is calculated and defined specifically in this points (fears, insecurities, friends, relationships and relationships to parents) the way we touch, the way we see the other person and ourselves, the way we think and live sex, everything!

And the reason why I say this, is that if you see at the porn industry, conveniently it has come to change the way we see and live sex, not only due to the obvious pint of “creating a picture and idea of what a women and a man should look like”, but about how sex becomes such a defining factor (specially within the cultures of Occident) that it even defines value in us as who we are, and this dependent on “if you have it or not”.

Sex in this society has becomes such an extreme point of importance, that the boys and girls feel very anxious and almost a “need” of experiencing it at a very early age in their life´s, just to feel accepted and recognized by their friends. And this is something also important to understand the rapist, because, the rapist don´t want sex as much as he/she wants control…

Yes, as you have heard it, the very Idealism of sex, gets mold and defined around this apparent need and want for such an important experience of recognition, that to have it, becomes actually… what generates your sexual arousal…

Now, this “idealism” projected within and as sex, is what I have found is precisely the point that drove me to do what I did when I was 14-15 years old.

This begun one night when one of my cousins came with her family to visit us; my cousin was by that time at the age of 9-10 years old, and I will not deny the fact that I actually found myself to be quite mesmerized by how beautiful she at her early age.

I was by that time going through a lot of pornography on a daily basis, and I mean I used to masturbate even as much as 3-4 times a day watching porn movies, and another fact that I consider relevant is that by that time, I was still virgin, I mean the “ideal” of what sex feels like, was still pretty much in my mind, and mainly on that specific period of my life.

We were playing in my room while everyone else was talking in the dinner room and, as I was playing with my cousin, we were running and jumping around and I began to notice that she was sweating and I will ask her to remove her clothes and she will do it, and then I will began to touch her body and actually I could notice that she was getting uncomfortable as I touched her, and so do I, I was realizing what I was doing as I was touching her and I sincerely was very afraid of seeing what I was doing as I was touching my little cousin, but at the same time I couldn´t stop and this conflict within my mind began in which I was telling to myself “Stop, Stop, Stop!” but at the same time I was telling on the other side: “Just a little bit more”.

To not make the story uncomfortably long, when I began to touch her in her private parts, it was in that moment that she asked me to stop and I did it, I really fucking swear that I did stop and didn´t went beyond that. That was the first and only experience of such nature that I ever did in my entire life. I don´t pretend to diminish the severity of my actions, but really believe me when I tell you that it could be worse, it could get really, really worse in my life, because such thoughts would come years later in my life, when every time that the sexual arousal would come, I would be afraid of walking out into the city and see any girl, because I would think that I would maybe, possibly be driven by this arousal to have sex with them and to even rape them.

Once the thoughts begun to assault me in my mind, it would be a real fight against myself to stop them; I will hit and bite and punch myself to make me stop… but nothing was working; something to which I recurred was the physical exercise, yes as you hear it, cause it will help me to move the sexual arousal of energy out of my body, nevertheless this was almost a “bandaid solution”, meaning it couldn´t last for too long, but at least it would help me move out of such experiences.

And at the very end, what really assisted me and supported me the most, was writing, was writing my experience and apply the tools that I learned in the process of Desteni, and slowly but surely, that´s how I began to realize, how I created the relationship to sex the way I did it, why I was feeling attracted to an specific type of body in the women, why that arousal and where everything originated… my childhood.

I wasn´t physically abused by my parents or anything like that, but I do had difficult relationships with my schoolmates, especially at the age of 12-13 where I began to get interested on the girls of my classroom. Having sex was quite a subject of interest amongst my schoolmates, as it was the very experience of relationships “who gets the best girl? Type of thing”, and the competence was very deep, I really find fascinating how easily we link relationships to sex today, it´s almost like in our childhood, it becomes impossible to think in relationships without directly linking it to sex in one way or another.

And porn doesn´t makes it more easy in any way, precisely because sex gets defined in the most abundant “resource of information” that you get on internet “pornography”. It is imperative to look carefully at the dynamics of abuse and submission that takes place on pornography, because the body language, the touch, the words, everything is designed in a way where you get the idea that they want you to believe “indirectly”, and when you don´t even expect it, you are already speaking of women as if they were sexual objects, and you are having thoughts about them.

This will be very difficult and maybe painful, and this is to look at ourselves (specially males), and see where in our day to day living, do we allow any sexual desire in our minds to come up with a thought, a picture, an idea in our head of this experience that we may fantasize about ourselves being with a female or male, that we just like use in this pictures expecting it to satisfy our sexual arousal, you would be amaze of what can come… but this you have to realize it yourself, I cannot tell you what your specific relationship with sex is, you have to look at it for yourself.

Be careful of pornography, it can really drive you into the most abusive experiences towards yourself and others.

Will share more in other time

If you are not yet fully informed of the harm that pornography does, please check out the following links:

http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/#porn-is-like-a-drug

https://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/08/19/my-experience-with-porn-and-prostitution-day-4/

https://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/08/23/my-experience-on-porn-and-prostitution-pt-2-self-forgiveness-applied/

http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/05/27/3441669/when-women-refuse-tumblr/

 http://mixlr.com/marlen-vargas-del-razo/showreel/sex-suppression-sex-obsession-2/

Please check out this interview series, which are completely free for you to be able to assist and support yourself in developing an effective sexual expression within masturbation and within this, become a part of the solution of stopping the abuse taking place in this world:

https://eqafe.com/p/shocking-secrets-of-masturbation-introduction

Also (if you prefer so) check out the Spanish version:

https://eqafe.com/p/impactantes-secretos-de-la-masturbacion-impresion-de-relaciones-parte-1?locale=es

 

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