”If you need a picture to masturbate or see a picture and then need to masturbate–you are REACTIVE
In this blog I continue to write self-forgiveness and self-commitments on points / relationships I’ve come to realize about myself in relation to masturbation and pornography. I suggest you read the first blog I wrote on the same topic here.
I want to start by clarifying that this is not about judging masturbation itself as something “bad” or “immoral” – but to see and realize how I turned masturbation and sexuality from being an innocent and physical point of self-expression into an energy dependency in complete separation from myself and the physical reality, and to see to what degree I have been enslaving myself within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a physical resistance in my stomach when I’m faced with the decision to stop pornography, and think “I do not want to walk this process”, “it will take too long time/too much effort” and “it may not even work”, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to these thoughts
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I created my current relationship to masturbation by instructing myself becoming addicted to images / metaphysical energy / fantasies and to react to pornographic images, and what I need to do to stop pornography is simply changing the instructions and step by step, breath by breath walking myself backwards / change the direction of the process and instruct myself masturbating physically / present in the physical world without pictures / fantasies
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance to anything that is not rapid, immediate and perceived as “easy”… and I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and understand that behind all that is perceived and that by the system is presented as “easy, “quick” and “immediate”, there exists a chain of consequences, suffering, abuse and sacrifice (just as in the case of consumption of products)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as easier to exist within and as the mental / mind and be completely blind to the physical hardships that have made this apparent “ease” possible
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a belief that I can’t masturbate without porn, which in turn implies that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my physical penis and the rest of my body doesn’t exist / is alive, but that my physical body is an empty, lifeless shell which is dependent on mental energy / the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the energy “buzz” I experience when I masturbate to pornography / images / fantasies and that this energy is the “ultimate experience” that makes life worth living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m making a big sacrifice and “giving up” something when I stop masturbation to pornography / images / fantasies, when in fact it is the opposite – that in my participation in pornography / images / fantasies / metaphysical energy I am giving up myself as who I really am as the physical reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can not have any other relationship with masturbation than to pornography, and thus ignore how my relationship with masturbation was as a child, before pornography, when masturbation was an innocent, unconditional and physical self-expression in full presence
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convert and twist masturbation from being an innocent, physical and unconditional self expression, to being a psychological addiction because I accepted and allowed myself to be hijacked by pornography and develop an addiction to images
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the stress I’ve submitted my physical body to with my compulsive masturbation – cramps, palpitations, irregular breathing – and associate this condition with something “positive”, “life”, something “good”, when in fact it is uncomfortable, exhausting and painful
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and understand the difficulty of stopping pornography / masturbation based on energy is because I have not yet established a starting point based on self-reliance and a physical relationship with myself, but still define myself as / according to energy
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and understand that all it takes to stop pornography is a process under which I apply Breath -> Decision -> Physical action
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my relationship with myself as a physical being and my relationship to others in favor of illusory energy experiences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my process of self-realization by defying myself and my self-forgiveness statements and defying and sabotaging myself by doing the exact opposite to what I see is best for me / life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in the belief that I can never trust myself because I betrayed myself “too many times”
I commit myself to transform my relationship with masturbation from being a mental picture and energy based REACTION into being a physical, equal and one self-expression, with which to develop a physical relationship with myself as a physical being through a process of learning to masturbate physically without images / fantasies / pornography, in physical presence and within focus on the physical sensation and touch of myself
I commit myself to face and push through the resistance I experience in relation to stopping pornography and mental masturbation, by slowing down and breathing until I am stable and grounded within and as the physical reality
When and as I notice that desires are automatically triggered by pictures / memories – I stand up in myself – I breathe – Four seconds in – four seconds out – four seconds in etc.. until the energy and desire has dissipated and I’m stable and grounded within and as the physical reality – because I see and realize that I thus develop self-reliance and a physical relationship with myself
I suggest you also listen to the indispensable interview series Shocking Secrets of Masturbation to hear never-before-considered perspectives about masturbation:
Also investigate lite.desteniiprocess.com – a completely FREE online course with buddy support, where you teach yourself how to assist and support yourself to overcome any addictions, fears, anxiety, boredom, relationship problems, and more.
Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.
Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.