I share this with the specific purpose of assisting and supporting with the understanding of how porn has led to child abuse and prostitution
When I was on the elementary school, I had one friend that was particularly much more older than me, by that time I had around 7 – 8 years old, and he was around of 15 or 16 years old, and one day I went to a room in which he was on the computer and I saw that he immediately closed a window in the computer on the moment that I entered, but I actually was able to see that it was a page that had multiple drawing s and pictures on a cartoon style, and I asked him to place again the window as I thought that it was a cool videogame on internet, then he opened again the window, but everything that I saw was pictures of naked women that were portrayed in drawings on a cartoon style (which is the gender of Hentai)
I didn´t had any particular interest for it, as all that I was watching was “just pictures”, I mean, I have a sister with who at that age, we used to take baths together, and I didn´t had any reaction towards the body of my sister or my cousins for that matter (as they are also women that were around of my age by that time); and that was the first moment that I got to know pornography, I mean, it didn´t influence me in that moment (so to speak) I would let that moment go, but years later, also in the elementary, I would be with my friends on the school, and we were on the Computer Lab, and one my friends entered to a porn site, it also had the cartoon styles and I tell them “hey, I know that stuff, I have seen it before”, and since that moment, we began with this kind of comments about “who have it more big” or “what girl have a better body”, and of course we would take by reference the pictures of the porn sites, by “reference” I of course mean that we will make comparisons about the bodies of the girls with the porn pictures and we will also make comparisons of our bodies with the pictures of the porn sites, we will continue with this stuff by several months and even years.
What would happen is that, I would become more and more anxious about having a relationship and experience sex, this process was gradually and of course it progressed and became more and more overwhelming as I begun to watch more and more pornography, and of course I would become more nasty in my way of speaking and the other guys would also become more nasty in their way of communicating, and for me it would become like almost impossible to get in a relationship, due to several points, like this one of me becoming so addicted to pornography, that I would only see the girls through the pictures and judgments of my mind, everyone would actually become only a picture for me, men and women, and then, with the years, I wasn´t able to focus on the school at all, all that I could think about was sex and pornography, this was actually one of the main reasons why it became so difficult for me to actually succeed on the school, and as I am writing this I can see a very interesting relationship and this is that I would call myself stupid, and idiot and all those kind of things as I would also hear it from the people around me, but I would accept those judgments so that I didn´t had to confront the real “point by which I was actually failing so much at the school and on everything for that matter”. I didn´t wanted to confront my addiction to pornography.
When I entered the High School, I simply quit it, and I started working as a handyman of air conditioning, on the areas that were around the center “the Zocalo”, and my coworkers would be for me already adults of 29 – 35 years old, there was also another who we used to call “the grandfather” lol, and he had 45 -50 years, I don’t remember the details, he died in the period that I was working there, because he used to drink a lot and he died from a actually all the people that we working there used to drink a lot, that was the entertainment for them, I mean you are speaking of the salary of a worker that is around “$2,500.00 – $3,000.00” a month, which is actually quite little, anyway, the other entertainment that we had was of course Pornography, we had a computer in which we had the administration of the equipment, but we also had a carpet with porn movies and, lol, I mean it is quite bizarre to remember it, I will not go into detail within it, but what I can tell you is that, whenever we were on the street, I mean, there was this point in which one lose every form of respect for yourself (knowing how the people look at you, because you are the handyman, you are no one, or at least, that was the idea in our minds) and would see them giving this looks to the women that were really nasty, and I mean, I am not any saint I would also look at them, but not in the way they would do it, even going to the point of filming the ass of women and you know, all those kind of things, I will actually feel shame when I saw them doing it, maybe because I saw myself reflected in them, and since then I tried to really not look at women, I would just focus my eyes on the floor, because I mean, one knows what one is thinking, and you know we were on the street and they will tell me, “hey look at that girl”, but I would just keep my eyes looking at the floor.
Months later, we would go around a zone that is called “La Merced”, in which we were looking for some pieces for the equipment, just to take into consideration by that time I was around of 16 – 17 years, maybe less, I don´t remember it, and there you could also find the brothels, and you know the hookers are walking on the street there are even some girls of 16 – 17 and so on, I asked my coworkers how those girls would get there and they told me that there is this business in which some of the girls enter for drugs, some do it for money, they just have to arrange it with the “pimp or el padrote” and in other cases, extreme cases, I would also see girls of 10 – 11; in that occasion I just got to know the place, so to speak, and we remained in the zone for a while and as usual they were watching and asking the hookers “how much?”, and you know, the cost goes around of “$150.00 to $200.00” depending of the hooker, and, the moment that I was there I felt this overwhelming experience inside me, growing like, you know, its just like you are just going “I do it, or I don´t do it” and that goes around in your head for days or weeks, and well there would be a moment in which I would not be able to continue resisting and I will enter, at the end of it, I felt so ashamed of myself and I mean, I was also thinking about this person that I mean, I could just imagine how much bullshit they have to tolerate every day, I saw the kids and the girls on the street, and one knows what is really going on.
The chain begins from the Pornography, creating all of this ideas about sex, because, I mean maybe one has a justification on the head of “but it is normal to look for sex at that age”, no, it’s not normal, the ideas in the head and the overwhelming experience of desire is not normal, it’s something that I created in my head for many years, and within that, I would even return there another 2 times, with a less period of time in the next occasion and you know, and then I would be changed from area, to another site which was more to the South, and I will not return there, the other reason why I stopped was because I was afraid of the diseases that one can get there.
Maybe the question is: “If you felt so much shame why you return there?” I would suppress the experience of shame with many justifications, reasons in my head to not see myself as evil; I was mainly “playing the victim” so to speak, like “this is the only way in which I can have sex”, and this thoughts of inferiority and so on, everything that I actually used to convince myself that I was “the victim, and that I had reasons to do it”. Much more later in my life, I would still had those desires of going to the brothels and I mean this is something that I just stopped recently, in the time that I came to Desteni, in which I begun to work with my mind and how it works, I began to forgive myself and to see within me how I created this relationships to sex, beginning of course by “masturbation” and my relationship to masturbation, in which I understood that I was creating this relationship of excitement towards the pictures, and it is fascinating that what one does not see is that if you masturbate without pictures in the mind or in a picture, you have the same orgasm, what happens is that we create and associate the experience of excitement towards sex and the porn pictures and we begin to create ideas about the body and we give importance to things that are actually the main problem of all relationships, which is “the thoughts, the backchat”, the desire that seems to never be satisfied, “I wonder why would that be?” lol, Satisfaction exist in the idea towards something or someone, but you depend on an idea, once that you have “used that idea, abused that point to the extreme, you will search for something bigger and bigger” and one can imagine where is this able to take one.
And just another experience to understand this, for you to see how much one can actually become possessed by porn, and this happened later in my life, when I got to know a girl with who I had sex, and I had these thoughts coming within me, violent thoughts towards her, and she would notice this, and she would ask me “What happened?” and in the beginning I was just in silence, I mean “what can I tell her?” but I decided to speak my mind and I told her, “I thought that I was beating you”, I decided to say it because, I mean, it was the best, to place it and work with it, she was quiet in the beginning, and then she just said that “If you continue thinking those thoughts, it is over”, but I wasn´t stopping, the thoughts were like coming and coming and coming, and eventually, the relationship failed, I was trying to please her in everything, and you know, I was doing that because I was afraid of losing her, but at the same time I didn´t wanted to continue because of this battle within my mind and…you know, you see all of this relationships failing and for stupid little things that apparently one don´t understand where they are coming from, and I don´t say that everything is because of sex, but at the same time it is, and if you want your relationships to work, please, stop porn, stop masturbating using pictures in your mind, it is not going to take you anywhere, really…the consequences are not necessary and those thoughts can really take you to a point in which you really think about raping someone, because that is where it took me, I was on the street walking and I would have these thoughts in which I imagined myself raping and beating and going like completely mad, and, there is people that actually go to that point, I was lucky, to a certain extent, I got to Desteni and I had the support that I required, don´t wait, that is all.
Take care of yourself and others, because using porn you don´t just hurt yourself, but those around you, just remember the kids that I saw there, they were using them, abusing them, and I was part of all of it, don´t become an abuser, because you are just making more and more difficult for yourself to really forgive you and stop, that’s is all, thank you for reading.
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