I started to watch pornography in the first year of high school. There almost everyone was interested in sex and relationships and for the guys with computers it become natural to share their porn collections between each other. Every time someone brought a new porn movie into the classroom it would be a point of discussion and almost a fight as to who gets to borrow and copy it first. The discussion would be in the veins of “Is it good?” “Yeah, it’s fucking amazing!”. The discussion participants referring to the energetic experience, or high, they got from this particular movie. That’s where my definition of sex and the sexual experience between man and woman developed. So what is this definition of sex based on pictures, movies and visual stimulation? It is an addiction to the energetic experience of rush, anticipation, excitement, connected to particular body shapes, sounds and movements as depicted and recorded within a porn movie. Is it natural to “enjoy” pornography? Where and how does one create the connection, and as such accept and allow to have certain emotions and feelings triggered within oneself, between watching pictures or video of people having sex and the energetic mind experience itself? Is it something natural, something one is born with or is it something one actually learns to do through observing ones environment? From my experience it is indeed something one is taught to do through constant manipulation through imprinting the connection between beauty as certain specific human body shape as defined within television and literature and pleasure as a result of interaction with such a body shape through and as sex. And this manipulation is not only present in the pornography itself. It is present within the very first stories we tell our children about the beautiful, innocent princess and a strong, handsome, young prince and their eventual connection as love, romance or marriage defined and depicted as something wonderful and great. That is the initial stage where I’ve created the basic outline of what it is that I desire from a relationship, from another human being, from a woman. The next step is learning about sex and that such interaction is possible between two people. This is the next layer I would imprint on the initial blueprint of the perfect prince and princess and their perfect relationship. This sex is something they can do and as they’re bodies, skills, abilities, deeds and personalities are perfect this sex they experience must be perfect too. This perception of perfect sex and the pleasure it allows one to experience is reinforced within the cinematography from it’s very beginning. There you can see the perfect people enjoying perfect romance and eventually perfect sex as the pinnacle of human expression and as the most ecstatic experience one can engage into. Within observing this the though of “I want to experience this” emerges. The desire for a perfect relationship and within that the desire for the perfect sex is born. Pornography is then the next logical step one immerses into, if one has access to such a thing. It further reinforces the belief one has already created about certain body shapes as pictures on the screen and what one experiences within the interaction of such body shapes as sex. One connects, reinforces and multiplies the feelings of excitement, rush, being overwhelmed with ecstasy with these pictures. Pornography then provides for more specifics like what are the specific sexual positions and techniques one would like to experience as those are the ones that one experiences the most intense feelings when observing them on the computer or TV screen. This can go on for years. And in my case it did. I watched pornography and used it to generate energy as excitement to have a nice experience within masturbation from the beginning of high school. I stopped only when finally facing myself for the first time for real within the application of self-honesty and self-forgiveness within studying and applying the Desteni research. One of the points of stopping the addiction to pornography was to actually face myself within having a real physical sex with another. Engaging a woman and creating a relationship with her as to eventually have sex was something I allowed myself to do only when I decided to stop with masturbating using fantasies and pictures. Only within that decision I mustered enough courage to actually do what I dreamed about for years. And to my surprise, it was nothing like I though, imagined and believed it would be from watching pornography. The difference between the belief and fantasy of what sex is, created through pornography, and the real physical act of sex Within my first real sexual experience I obviously tried to apply everything I’ve “learned” within watching pornography. And I did. Yet it was no ecstatic experience. The orgasm was “less than” what I’ve experienced within masturbation. There are two routes one can go from the realization that the real sex is nothing like what one dreamed about from watching television, reading and watching pornography. The first is to hold onto the belief that the perfect sex as depicted within pornography is somewhere out there and one only has to get hold of the perfect partner and amass enough experience to be a porn star on ones own. Such a route is not something I recommend taking. It operates based on the belief which one proven to oneself not to be real. It operates within the assumption that something will change in the future and this dream of mine is waiting there for me only if I do this or that and/or get this and that. That is not something one can build on, one can develop. It’s a never-ending search for something better. Yet this is what most people choose to do. And you can see the results within all the crashing relationships of all the perfect personalities as celebrities, actors, models, “soul mates” and the “leaders” of our world. It all crashes, the dream of perfect relationship and the perfect sex is never fulfilled. The solution I present to you another way. First stop and let go of, remove, delete, discard and forgive all the fantasies, pictures, beliefs, energetic connections, dreams, expectations and blueprints within and as your mind and body. This in itself is quite a process, yet something you do step by step, breath by breath and within that it’s simplistic and doable for everyone that dares. Everything on how to remove these things is presented within the Desteni material. This stopping is like entering an abyss you have to walk through and survive the quench. Your ability to stand within the face of the desire, allocate oneself, keep walking and moving oneself without emotional wobbles is what determines the length of the whole process of giving up that which does not serve you as the addiction to imaginary “sex” supported through pornography and imagination. By the way, mentioning imagination – it is the same thing as watching pornography. You’re using other people, rape them in your mind, without their permission and you justify it with that it is harmless. It’s not. First you support the whole concept of sexual abuse and rape where you want something, you can’t get it through the means of actually agreeing with other real person on walking together an exploring your sexuality, so you find a way around it. It start within the mind, then proceeds to actual physical acts that eventually lead to rape. So sexual imagination has to be completely stopped as well. C’mon, apply some self-honesty and see for yourself what is the actual outflow of what it is that you’re doing. Apply your imagination in a constructive way: intensify everything you’re doing – having to use constantly more brutal and brutal fantasies to get the same energetic experience as excitement and rush and see where it leads to. If you can see that and you actually have some brain left – stop while you can. It’s worth it. Because as you walk through the abyss of stopping and giving up that which you identifying as invalid within yourself you can slowly proceed to exploring that which is real. In my case I walked the stopping of the porn addiction for a few years. And I’ve fallen many times – where I would get back to using porn to masturbate. Then I had to stood up again, start from scratch again and forgive myself. As I got better with it, my resolve and trust within myself grow stronger. Within that I was able to actually approach females and communicate, actually enjoy it and relax within it as there was no, or very little, backchat as sexual fantasies. Within that you’re able to appreciate another being for who she really is and not just a picture in your mind you want to fuck with. After some more time, application and standing by my decision, I found a partner I walk with, enjoy my time with and explore sexuality within open communication and without any hidden secrets, agendas, wants and needs. It’s something that flows naturally through us walking together, supporting each other and enjoying each other within communication, work, play and sex. The sexual expression develops slowly, step by step, breath by breath as I explore my body and the body of another and learn what it is to actually be within my body and what it is to touch another, to be intimate with another, what it is that each one enjoys.
Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.